You Were Just Here

I'm trying not to think

how yesterday you were just here.

And our words drew aimless circles round our faces

while we sat mere inches apart.

And now you're not.

You're there.

And I can only savor the shadow of you

And look at pictures and dig out memories...

of laughter and sunshine.

Dancing and eating.

Talking and crying.

Where our paths have crossed I believe flowers grow now.

Because the seeds of our friendship have long since taken root.

They nestle in my heart and remind me of

the warmth of your love and acceptance.

Gifts that money cannot buy,

time cannot replace.

So now you are there

and I am here...

and I can do nothing to bring you near.

Yes, we will walk on...

our separate paths.

We are both strong women

with happy hearts.

We will take what life gives us

in abundance and in strife

We will remain essentially

US.

To friendship.

To Krung Thep.

To life and to love.

To the One who provides us all from above.

To the hardships we know must surely come.

To strength and wisdom to meet them

... and grace when all is done.

To Bali, ma chère.

We will meet again.

Almost There... Where?

Wow.

As I sat and listened to the final mix of A Promise is a Promise, it suddenly REALLY hit me - I'm almost done!

After gathering songs I've written over the last decade, polishing them up, practicing, arranging, recording, re-recording, adding, subtracting, re-recording..., wrestling with mixing, ideas of better arrangements, wishing I could have played/sung it better, wishing I'd written easier songs.... mixing, mixing, mixing... and now we're here - on the brink of musical completion.

I will NEVER look at music in the same way again.

And tonight, as I write this - we're just 1 week away from sending all the music to the printer to press and print the CDs.

The album artwork is 95% finished, my Thank Yous written, rewritten, and waiting to be rewritten again tonight and tmw.

I may not end up with a perfect product, but I sure as heck am trying my best to give my most perfect effort.

There's still so much to be done... that I almost feel like I can't just sit here and be happy that we're pretty much done with production.

I still have yet to plan how to launch, promote and sell my album - I'm completely independent... so that means - lots of work to hard sell my own product. I'm considering placing some stock at Gramaphone...

What other ways do local artists in Singapore have to push their music to a mostly nonchalant public? I don't have the advertising power of Lady Gaga, (and neither the image to cause that kind of hoo haa to generate interest), I don't really wanna go table to table at each venue I play at trying to peddle my wares.

Yes, thus is the plight of the local indie artist.

Anyway, those are thoughts for another day.

For now I am just going to sit here and listen to my final raw mixes and be happy that I've actually made it THIS far.

I've a long way to go still..., but I won't discount the fact that I've also come a long way. :)

Sing a song about faith....

I want to tell you about a song I recorded today.

I wrote this song a little more than a year ago.
It's called "A Promise is a Promise".

At the time that I wrote it, I wrote my excitement and fears about leaving Bangkok to move back home to Singapore.
The words spoke of a promise that was to be claimed - a strength that could be grasped in times of fear and doubt.

Last week, as I practised this song in preparation for today's studio recording, I realised how much more apt it was for my current circumstances.

Please don't think I am complaining.
I am not.
I am simply stating this:
It is insanely difficult struggling to make a living as a musician/singer in Singapore.
Why?
There are so many factors that I could site.
But I'd rather not get into that....
Just suffice to say that this is possibly the one trade you can be fantastically good at but still, hardly anyone will pay for your services/product.


ANYWAY....

Given these tough circumstances, and set it beside the fact that SINGAPORE IS AN EXPENSIVE PLACE TO LIVE IN...., and what do you get?
STRESS.


The point is - music is my full-time job.
I'm not in it for the money.
Never was.
I'm in it because I love music so much.
And somewhere along the way..., the industry, the lack of support, the brutal truth of reality - started to eat away at my faith in myself.
"If I'm really good at what I do, why aren't I succeeding?"

BUT.
Back to the song...

As I practised - sitting in my room, plucking at the guitar strings, legs crossed sitting on my bed - just like when I started out learning to play the guitar.. sitting on my bed at night, plucking and singing...,
I realised - the song isn't so much about a promise as it is about FAITH.

The focus isn't about the promise to be claimed at the end.
It's about how DIFFICULT faith can be during times of trouble.
How even when you don't FEEL like you're worth it..., that you're good enough, that you DESERVE the beautiful promise..., that you can STILL hold on to that sliver of hope and KEEP THE FAITH.

"Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on to His promises...
they're true."

** "A Promise is a Promise" will be released online (only) as a Single before my album release. Stay tuned for more details as they come.

Time Changes Everything

Today is the first day of a new month.
The month the tally of my age moves 1 digit higher.

****

I've started taking in more private voice students.
Some of the younger singers, the teenagers in particular, remind me of where I came from - the shy, scared teenager I used to be. So afraid to show the world her need to sing.

I've come a long long way.
And sometimes I feel that all I have to show for it... is only what's inside of me.


10 years after winning The Big Break, some might say - I'm still looking for that big break.
Being an aspiring musician/singer-songwriter in Singapore is just NOT easy.
Recognition is hard to come by, opportunities are fleeting (and more often about who you know, than what you do), garnering support is like squeezing water from a rock.

But where I stand right now - despite it looking quite similar to where I stood 10 years ago, is a lot different.
In a decade, I've lived through a whole lot of personal experiences.
Some have left me wiser.
Some have left me more cynical.
Some have taught me when to care, and when not to care.

At the end of the day though, I still wish to be making music with the same passion and love that I started out with.
It's a conscience choice - because working in this industry in THIS country... can often take away that passion and leave you with that distinctly bitter taste in your mouth.


To all the young, aspiring singers in Singapore, I have this to say to you:
Never forget WHY you sing.
No matter what people say, no matter who favours you (or not), no matter if you don't get paid well, or that people look at you and see a CD player....
Keep singing.
Keep improving.
Because....
Remember your worth.
You ARE an artist.
You ARE valuable.
Don't ever let anyone treat you otherwise.

Put the Past Where it Belongs - Behind You.

Humans are sentimental creatures.
We are often haunted by ghosts of the past which linger in our memories and hinder our ability to be/stay happy.

Having been through the death of a sibling and a divorce (at about the same time), I believe in leaving the last where it is... in the past.

I read somewhere once that dealing with a divorce is often like dealing with a death.
I think that's quite true. Except that when it comes to an actual death, you actually want to keep the memories alive.
Personally, I'd rather forget as much as I can about my failed relationships.


**** ****

I'm feeling that longing creeping up on me again.
The need to belong to someone.
Which, at this point, I deem a bad thing.... because I see absolutely no prospects around me.
I just don't seem to have any of the right chemistry with anyone.

I haven't felt the need to be with someone... so strongly... since maybe three years ago.
I've become so happy being by myself.
It's uncomplicated, comfortable, and smooth-sailing.
I'm generally a lot more happy single than I ever was when attached.
(Does this speak of my adapting to singlehood? Or perhaps my bad taste for uncompatible men?)


Anyway..., I'm just feeling very tangled up right now.
Thought to get it out.
I'm half mad at the way things have turned out in my life,
half blase and all like "whatever",
half desperate for change,
and half completely terrified to be any other way than now.
That adds up to being twice confused.

OK I'm done psycho-babbling.

tick tick tick...

Tick tick tick....

I look over at the tiny yellow alarm clock I bought yesterday.




... tick... tick... tick.....



I put it to my ear (it's smaller than my ear).

tick... tick.. tick.....
.... the sound kinda tickles my ear.
Heh.
Tiny tick-ling clock.

Outgrown...

I know - TWO blog posts in a week?

~~~

I should be sleeping.
But instead I'm thinking.
Not for any reason in particular.
The thoughts just sort of float and hover as I potter about my room.
And yet there they are - thoughts.

~~~

One thought in particular crystallized in my mind's eye:
We outgrow.
- clothes
- feelings
- tastes
- situations
- places
- people

See, I was browsing through a listing of TV series, and stumbled across "Buffy the Vampire Slayer".... and thought to myself -
'Gee, I used to LOVE this series!
Owned a couple of box set DVDs...
and hmmm... ended up selling them.....
and would I watch them again?
Actually, no.'

It's not just my TV-watching preferences that have changed.
I don't read the same books I used to when I was a teenager - I can hardly stomach those all-too cheesy romance novels these days. They're too full of fluff and fancy.

Growing up, I used to pick the "chang" (chopped spring onions) from my food.
Living in Thailand found me asking for extra spring onions!

When I was a kid, I'd order my cheeseburger without pickles.
Now I'd love it if there are extra!


In the (almost) year since I've been back in Singapore, I've come to realize that I've outgrown certain friendships.

BTW, I must make a note here - it's important you understand that my use of the word "outgrown" has no negative connotations - simply that things change.
And in this instance, I've realized that my preferences in TV, food, and books aren't the only ones that have changed over the years - my preferences for certain kind of friendships over others too, have changed.

~~~

On a side-note, I think I outgrew Bangkok.
And that is why I felt that it was time to move back to Singapore.
Not that one is better than the other.
Simply that for this period of time, this is what FITS.

The tides of life are ever-changing.
We must change with them.
We cannot fight change - we must see that there are different things and places and people that fit different periods of our lives....


OK. With that very "zen" thought..., I bid you all goodnight!

"One Last Try"

Last week when I was in BKK, my buddy Johnny and I were jamming.
He started playing a nice guitar rift, and suddenly turned to me and said "sing something to this".

Now, mind you, I was properly tired out - it was 1am(ish), and we'd been practising for the last few hours.
So as he played, I closed my eyes and sang the first few words that came to mind...

"Sitting in the dark, I wonder how. How it came to this - where we are right now..."

And thus a song was born.

I had no premeditated idea of what the song would be about.
It simply came to be.
And as I wrote the lyrics, a memory crystallized in my mind.
2007/2008 - those were two very dark, difficult years in my life.
Part of it was due to the tragic accident in which my younger brother passed away.
But the other part of it was the fact that my "happily ever after" had becoming a nightmare.

For a long time, I struggled and fought for a marriage that just wasn't meant to be.
And even till the point where I received the divorce papers... I truly believed that we could work it out.


I've moved on since then.
I'm still a happy person - I don't place blame, nor harbour regrets.
I simply decided to give myself a happy future.
But I never wrote a swan song for my marriage.


Recently, I learned that one of my friends is going through a divorce.
Empathy immediately flooded through my veins.
Not many people my age understand what it's like....


So when I wrote this song - I wrote it for myself.
And for all the broken people sitting on the brink of a big decision - to stay, or to go.

One Last Try

Sitting in the dark, I wonder how
How it came to this - where we are right now
I remember when our love was young and we thought we could.
But now we're stuck for words and we just can't figure out...

Is this goodbye or do we give it one last try?
Is this goodbye?
We cannot live a lie.
Is there something different this time?
Or is this goodbye?
Baby is this goodbye?

"Forever" was a word we thought that we could do.
If other people can, why can't we too?
Is it really so hard for us to stay in love?
Does it have to feel like work?
Have we lost track of who we are?

Is this goodbye or do we give it one last try?
Is this goodbye?
We cannot live a lie.
Is there something different this time?
Or is this goodbye?
Baby is this goodbye?

Leaves me cold and longing still...
for your warmth - I know I will
wonder if I leave you now...
Can I live without your love?
Or am I already living without?

Is this goodbye or do we give it one last try?
Is this goodbye?
We cannot live a lie.
Is there something different this time?
Or is this goodbye?
Baby is this goodbye?

Now and Then

Recently I've been pondering how society exalts "couplehood".

Don't get me wrong - I'm no hater. I think it's wonderful to be in love.
But so many people just cannot stand being alone.
And so many people pity friends who are still single. Especially the older they get.
As if they have some kind of personality disorder if they're still single.

I beg to differ.
I think it takes strength of character to stay single and true to oneself, and not "settle" for anything less than what is right for you.
If more of us had this mentality of "not settling" and being happy as an a single individual, we would easily solve many of our relationship problems, and have less unhappy separations.

Yes, the single person does experience bouts of intense loneliness.
But honestly, even people in relationships can feel lonely. It's human nature to feel alone... even when we're with the people we love.

So with these thoughts in mind...., I wrote this song.

Now and Then

Now and then
I get a little bit lonely
and I must admit that I'm
usually good at being alone.

But just sometimes
I feel a little bit silly
thinking about the space
that is like a gaping hole.

But don't feel too bad for me
I'm not broken.
'Cuz some hearts are joyful still
standing alone.
I might cry a tear or two
every now and then...
But life is still beautiful
even if you're alone.

No I won't lie
and say I wouldn't want someone
to fill up my lonely nights
and some lonely afternoons too.

I'm not one to spend my life just pining
dwelling on coulda beens
or shoulda, or woulda, maybes

So don't feel too bad for me
I'm not broken.
'Cuz some hearts are joyful still
standing alone.
I might cry a tear or two
every now and then...
But life is still beautiful
even if you're alone.

Listen to it here:
http://www.reverbnation.com/play_now/song_8244229
(Video to come soon...)


Now and Then by Shimona Kee is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at networkedblogs.com.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at http://www.shimonakee.com/contact/.

Musical Inventory...

There's a new hot venue in town - TAB, which showcases local original talent, as well as new international artistes.

I'm singing there tonight.
Yay!


Despite having enough original music to fill at least 3 albums, I've never actually performed more than 3 of my own songs at one single performance.

Why?

Let's just say - audiences at venues such as bars or restaurants aren't usually too keen on hearing unknown stuff.
Familiar is comforting, and their ears perk up whenever I play a song like "Kiss Me" or "Time After Time".

That and - it's often hard to hear lyrics at live venues - and if you aren't familiar with a song, and can't hear the lyrics - it's probably going to be hard for you to identify with the song.

Yes, a catchy tune is important.
But to me, as a songwriter, lyrics are often what "gets" people.
I mean, yeah, music can push past language boundaries... sometimes a song without words can make you cry, or a song in a foreign language will touch your heart.
But more often than not, our favourite songs are the ones that we resonate with lyrically.


So tonight, I will be singing mostly originals.
Songs that have stories behind them - songs about love, betrayal, loneliness, friendship, tragedy... and I hope that whoever is in the audience will be able to listen astutely to the lyrics.

Because I wrote my heart into each of these songs.

Packing Do's and Don't

DO NOT:

• Pack on the very last day.
• Freak out.
• Get emotional about material possessions.
• Keep getting distracted by facebook.
• Chuck stuff randomly into a bag. Unpacking will be a bitch. I promise.
• Forget to eat amidst the packing frenzy.
  

DO:

• Think positive - it's really NOT as bad as you think. Really!
  
• Give yourself at LEAST 3 full packing days.
• Plan - Look at your space and divide it up into categories/sections. Chances are your room/house is already nicely categorized (ie. cosmetics, clothes, kitchenware, etc)
• Work on 1 or 2 sections at a time. Don't look at the WHOLE mess at once. Attack bit by bit.
• Put some happy/motivational music on. Dance, sing, smile, cry while you pack.
• Give yourself rewards and breaks in between. It's no small task!
• Be as unsentimental as you can - a lot of accumulated junk can be thrown or given away. Don't pack it up, ship it, and then end up not using it or throwing it away. Yeesh.
• Remember - you are packing stuff away. Not your life. Differentiate the two.

That being said..., I'm about 70% done and on my last packing day.
Wish me good luck!! :)

Tminus3days

Been a while since I wrote a proper blog post. Update-style I mean... (not poetry as I am often wont to do)

So what's been going on?
I'm standing at the junction of yet another Life-Crossroads.
In just about 3 days, I will fly that oh so familiar budget airline plane... back to the country of my birth. Again.

Been back for many short trips over the last few months. But this time I'm moving back to Singapore. More or less for good.

((off on tangent for a bit...))
For good.
Why do people ask that - "Are you moving back for good?"
I mean... seriously, how am I supposed to know these things??!?!! Who know what will happen in a few years. I mean, just 4 years ago, I was on a path that was supposed to lead me to moving to Finland "for good".
Things change.
Suddenly.
Nothing is "for good".
((ok, tangent done))

For nearly 3 months, I've been involved in a local (Bangkok) theater production of Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream".
For those of you who don't know.., Bangkok's Arts scene is pretty much still untapped and very raw... and to stage a Shakespearean play takes a whole lotta guts (or crazy, or both)!
What's more, our production is staged intimately in the confines of a pub that serves as blacksmith factory by day and wine bar by night - The Iron Fairies.

The play opened last Wednesday to a sell-out crowd and an audience that was just a dream!
Today, I sit here in my room - luggage half-packed, contemplating the wild journey I embarked on ever since starting this production.
Tomorrow is our last night, and despite having caught the flu, I look forward to the last performance - anticipating relishing every moment.

Because on Thursday I move on to a new chapter of my life.
New beginnings, new challenges, pursuits of new passions, new priorities...

Excitement mingled with dread.
Push and pull.
Ahhh the tides of life they be.

Hustle Bustle - NEW SONG!!

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN: Listen to Hustle Bustle.

Lyrics:

Hustle Bustle

I see you everyday
and hear the words you say.
We meet for coffee, dinner, work, and even play.

Our words can fill the space
that hovers round your face,
But do I really know you what's beneath your thick surface?

Hustle bustle round and round
I should take the time instead
to sit down on the ground.
Really learn to appreciate
every little thing you do and everything you hate.

When running to and fro
we often stop and go
Oh honey kiss me on the cheek now, don’t be slow.

But baby we have time to stop and make this rhyme
Just tell me what is on your heart
I promise to be kind.

Hustle bustle round and round
We can take our time instead
to sit down on the ground.
Really learn to appreciate
We can make a new start now, it’s really not too late.

~S.22052010~

Counting down....

Well, I might as well do it in good 'ol blogging fashion - the Countdown till I move back to Sg:



MySpace-Countdowns

As Rin would say: COMMENCE FREAK OUT!

The absence of fear is but an illusion...

I've always felt like I'm a pretty strong person.

Was never really afraid of the dark when I was a kid, never been one of those kinda girls to scream in terror at lizards or cockroaches (rather I merely release a little yelp and shudder in disgust).

I've weathered through some pretty tough situations and experiences - most of my peers cannot begin to fathom.

Admittedly, perhaps I grew up rather sheltered... protected by loving parents who tried their best to provide as much as they could, but more importantly teaching me strong values centered around the love of Christ.


I've also been the rather impulsive, emotional, impetuous type.
Took me a good 20 years to really understand that about myself.
I suspect it will take me more than that amount of time to adequately learn how to manage this impulsive nature.

Rather like a bull, I plough through situations and problems, confronting them head-on.


So it sure did startle me, when in the middle of some reflective thoughts today, I realized - I'm terribly afraid.

I'm afraid to give the men I meet a chance.
You know how it is -- when you first meet a person, chemistry (or none) dictates whether you shelve that person under the "friend", or "flame" category?
Well, suffice to say that my Male "friend" shelf is getting pretty crowded.


Honestly, I don't know anymore - what type of person I might want to be with.
IF I want to actually be with someone.
Sometimes I'm so busy with day-to-day activities..., perhaps it's best not to get emotionally involved with anyone.
Emotions are messy.

But isn't there a beauty in mess?



My thoughts run off....

Yes.
I am afraid.
I'm afraid to invest love only to find myself rejected, disappointed, unworthy...


Does this mean I am bereft of hope?
Absolutely not.
The presence of fear does not necessarily mean that hope is lost.

Right?

Full Circle

Well, I've waited long enough to make this decision final and official - I'm moving back home to Singapore! :)

I'd say that there is a long list of reasons for me making this decision, but I'm going to just share the 2 most important ones with you:

1. Family. I've been away for long enough.
2. Music. This will be my 2nd "real" foray into music. But this time, I have fresh ideas, fresh perspectives, and (hopefully) my music and songwriting has developed & matured over the 6 years I was away from music as a profession.

To make a long story short...
The decision process:
I've always been very instinct-based/Spirit-led, and when I started to dream of Sg (and I'm not normally the type to get homesick) for no supposed reason, I started to wonder what was up.
So I kept my eyes and ears open for the "little signs" that God usually litters along the way - and sure enough, home was abeckonin'.

The time is right. It's now or never.

So come late June, I'll be back in Sg and raring to....
Though I'm surely going to miss friends here in Bangkok, and even the city itself (despite the political turmoil, this is still kinda my 2nd home).... it's going to be good to be with family and friends in Singapore again.

The Gym Song (ORIGINAL!)

*cheesy grin*

(note: You can share and/or download the song if you like it. Please like it...)

The Gym Song

Wake up, go to the gym
It's time to get yourself moving
No one else can do the right thing for you, but you.

Takes a little will power
Each time, you will get stronger
Keep your eyes set on the prize
and just move, MOVE!

I know that you're tired
everyone around you is too,
but if you just give up today
then what will we all do? So...

Wake up, go to the gym
It's time to get yourself moving
No one else can do the right thing for you, but you.

I saw the RedShirts today....

Photos here: Redshirts on Sukhumvit.

God Guides us ALL the Way.

What happens when we allow God to work in our everyday lives?


Step 1: Conviction

This is the state of awareness.
The Spirit slowly brings to light the secret sins of our hearts - big or little.
Through the study of scripture, daily interactions with the community of Christ, and trials & tribulations..., we start to become increasingly aware of the areas of our lives that need to be changed.
The Still Small Voice gets louder and louder until our hearts hurt SO BAD with the need to seek God's forgiveness - allow Him to change our lives and be healed.



Step 2: Confession

This is where we learn to be completely vulnerable.
It is being willing to show others the "true" you - the parts that are not perfect and sometimes even shameful.
In confessing our sins and struggles to our brothers and sisters, we share our journey in Christ, and deepen our relationships - challenging concepts that are taught theoretically in church - concepts of love and acceptance, grace and mercy.



Step 3: Construction

It doesn't end with confession.
After we have become aware of our ugliness, and our INTENSE NEED for a Saviour, and hence are able to admit this to the people we love and care about (even despite fear of rejection), we then must learn to take a hold of GRACE.
This is the same grace that our Lord extends to every single person - whether they know it or not, whether they have become aware of their need for it or not, and whether they are able to accept it or not.
However, it is when we are able to reach out and grab this generous offer of grace God gives that we truly OWN the healing that God works in our lives:

"While God accepts us as we are He doesn't leave us as we are."

But you see, that doesn't mean that we merely confess with our lips and then leave it to God to do all the work! While Christ has paid the price of salvation, and grace is offered to all, we are called as followers of Christ to TAKE UP OUR CROSS DAILY:

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."

Questions to ponder:

1. As a follower of Christ, how am I allowing God to break my life apart and consequently build me into the person that He wants me to be?
2. As a fellow believer, how can I react with love and grace when other people struggle with their sins? How can I be authentic in my interactions? - praying and loving Christ's lambs the way He would?
3. As a sinner seeing how I fall short of God's glory, how can I reach out for God's grace, accept the love and grace that might be given to me from the community of Christ, and have faith that God is weaving His beautiful masterplan in this unique tapestry of our lives?

Lord, may YOU be the moving force in our lives - that drives us to love and have mercy...., or that allows us to come before You with humble hearts and to stay in community with no shame, rather a common understanding of how we are all so alike and struggling together.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."

Day out with Charz & Dorz...