Outgrown...

I know - TWO blog posts in a week?

~~~

I should be sleeping.
But instead I'm thinking.
Not for any reason in particular.
The thoughts just sort of float and hover as I potter about my room.
And yet there they are - thoughts.

~~~

One thought in particular crystallized in my mind's eye:
We outgrow.
- clothes
- feelings
- tastes
- situations
- places
- people

See, I was browsing through a listing of TV series, and stumbled across "Buffy the Vampire Slayer".... and thought to myself -
'Gee, I used to LOVE this series!
Owned a couple of box set DVDs...
and hmmm... ended up selling them.....
and would I watch them again?
Actually, no.'

It's not just my TV-watching preferences that have changed.
I don't read the same books I used to when I was a teenager - I can hardly stomach those all-too cheesy romance novels these days. They're too full of fluff and fancy.

Growing up, I used to pick the "chang" (chopped spring onions) from my food.
Living in Thailand found me asking for extra spring onions!

When I was a kid, I'd order my cheeseburger without pickles.
Now I'd love it if there are extra!


In the (almost) year since I've been back in Singapore, I've come to realize that I've outgrown certain friendships.

BTW, I must make a note here - it's important you understand that my use of the word "outgrown" has no negative connotations - simply that things change.
And in this instance, I've realized that my preferences in TV, food, and books aren't the only ones that have changed over the years - my preferences for certain kind of friendships over others too, have changed.

~~~

On a side-note, I think I outgrew Bangkok.
And that is why I felt that it was time to move back to Singapore.
Not that one is better than the other.
Simply that for this period of time, this is what FITS.

The tides of life are ever-changing.
We must change with them.
We cannot fight change - we must see that there are different things and places and people that fit different periods of our lives....


OK. With that very "zen" thought..., I bid you all goodnight!

Spirals and Spirals... what can I say?

Some of us, it seems, go through the flames alone.

Even in reaching out, we are disappointed.
So we reach up.
He never fails.


But when will those around finally get it?
Do we concede defeat so easily, failing to claim His power in our lives?




Why is it that every single time I pray He sends someone, He answers the opposite.

What are you teaching me Lord?
How can I learn?
.... Because I surely must.

Sometimes I feel like rebuking the world we live in.

When will we realize that WE ARE NOT ALONE??

We are often our own worst enemies.
We tear ourselves apart with our insecurities and frustrations because of the ruts we inevitably get into trying to change ourselves for the better, only to come up losers.


Don't we realize that it's impossible for us alone, but not for God?

Is God not stronger than sin?
Has He not defeated death and separation?
Surely He is stronger that "self"!??
Can He not conquer ANYTHING in our lives?

Yet... why do we choose to give in to the darkness??????






That's all the words I can muster up right now.

Hope Rekindled

... is a scary but beautiful thing.



That's all.

Where You Stand

My face is clean now
Just like the history of you and me
Who would’ve known
Who would’ve thought
Promises wept.
We could not.

My hands are empty
They hold on to nothing
This way I’m not so heavy
This way I’m free to leave.

Are you happy where you stand?
With the choices you have made.
You have fought and you have fought
So hard for everything
That you thought that you needed
You thought that you could be
That everything that you don’t understand.
And now that everything you had wanted
is everything you are...

Tell me now...
Are you happy where you stand?



14032009

And just like that....

I remember.

Half a world away.
And you send me spiralling.
Again.

You talk of courage,
of pride and prejudice.
When all I wanted was you.



Now, am I......

Angry?
Sad?
Nonchalant?


I really shouldn't care.
But I do.
And that hurts.

I guess I just can't lie to myself --
you didn't mean that little to me.

But what does it matter now?



♫ http://blip.fm/~2ylnw

A Reason to Fight

I guess maybe some people have more of a will to fight than others.
And while I never really fought for nothing, I did fight quite a lot.

I fought myself, fought (and fought for) others, fought for ideals I believed in,... fought for love.


Nowadays, I've begun to take a slightly more phlegmatic approach.
Not that I'm giving up the fight and laying down my sword,...
... rather, I pick and choose my fights.

Fighting for something/someone is tiring.
It requires a whole lot of everything.


And what do you do when that which you were fighting for turns out to have been nothing but a waste of your time and energy?

Sure, lesson learned and all... but part of that lesson must be that we should choose our fights wisely - given our limited resources and time.



*****

Fell in love with a new song:
Ashes and Wine by A Fine Frenzy.
One of those very few songs I've encountered that made my heart skip a beat during the opening bars... and very nearly made me cry (had I not been working on lesson plans at the time).

Last Post of the Year 2008

Making a quick post just so that I have a post today. Hehe...

Life has taught me so much in the last year or two.
I try to hang on to those little glimpses of the big picture whenever I can.
To think that just 2 years ago, I thought my happiness was complete - that life couldn't get better.


Well, I guess since then, after hitting practically rock bottom, there's no way but up.
And up it has been, slowly but surely, this year.


****

I'm spending the last day of the year with my family.

I have 2 grandmothers "left".
Today we celebrate my mum's mom's birthday.
Tomorrow will be my dad's mom.


Who knows how long they have left.

I'm just glad that they both know the Lord.

My Christmas Prayer

Yep, I'm home!
Like home, home --> Singapore! ;)


Well, it's been a dose of reality for me to be back here...
the reality of mortality that is.

Visited my grandma in the hospital today.
Also heard from my mom that my cousin has been having medical problems.
And yeah, my mom too.



I feel so helpless and mortal.

The threat of death, of pain, of suffering.. seems to loom over my family more than usual this Christmas.
Sigh....


Please Lord, heal them if it is Your Will.
And if not... Your Will be done in all our suffering.
I will accept whatever cup You hold before me.

Bittersweet

It's been a lovely weekend.

Lerie and Bayu's wedding was positively beautiful.
Romantic, sentimental, fun...

Fanwar's sermon was good too.... it actually made me feel a flicker of hope and longing - the way he talked about how a husband and wife should accept each other the way they are right now and cherish and love (and all that typical but oh so true stuff)... but I refused to let the glowing ember take spark... detached myself immediately.
It was a necessary evil to make sure I didn't cry whilst singing "Till There Was You" for them.


It was stressful yet fun emceeing the reception after.
Don't really feel like elaborating.

So... to sum up The Wedding, it was great.
And I'm very very happy for Lerie and Bayu.

********



And now, it's my last night here in MC.
And as I type this, I look at my "ex-dog", Cassi, sleeping contentedly on the floor.
The family I gave her to (when I left last year), loaned her back to me for the extent of my time here... and it's been great.

I've been soaking in the feel of her silky fur, those slightly pink-rimmed eyes... one brown-lashed, the other white-lashed.
So familiar.
She's gotten a little fatter, but she's still my little darling.
She still remembers all her tricks, still licks my face with her soft tongue as a show of love.
Still looks positively miserable when she realizes that I'm leaving the house.
Sigh....

I've been so good at detaching... it's gonna all go to waste now. Heh.


So I give her back tmw morning.
A part of me really really really wants to take her back.
To sneak her back into my apartment.

But I can't.

I know it isn't God's will.
She has a mission now - she keeps an old man company.
And anyway, I can't keep pets in my apartment.
So depressing.


Anyway, I refuse to be too sad.
Am going to relish what little time I have with her now, and do what I have to do when the time comes.

On Edge

My moods are fluctuating
Like the tides of the ocean
so the tides of my mind.


*****


I think I have sixth sense.

Sometimes I don't understand my moods... sometimes it's just me being irritable or whatever. But there have been quite a few times when my unexplainable moods precede some event.


Well, I don't really feel like disclosing any details, even really telling anyone (on the internet) what it is I'm being moody about. So I'm not sure what I'm blogging about either.
Just feeling antsy and raw and confused.


*****


Coming down the stairs of the BTS, I had this weird movie-moment where time sorta slowed down as I noticed a small stall selling orchids.
Reminded me of Singapore.

Do you get this?

It seems that I'm not really able to be free with the content of which I blog.

Every time I blog about my feelings, being purposely vague, it leads to curiosity (understandably), and questions.

All I can say is - if I wanted to declare something as a fact, I will.
If it's written vaguely in my blog... well, then you gotta assume it's vague for a good reason.

So yes.
I AM purposely vague.
Because sometimes, I just want to let the people I care about know how I feel.
But I don't always want to have a lengthy discussion nor to seek any answers.

That's what empathy is about, isn't it?


So I've decided that I will probably be withholding writing as transparently as I usually write.
While I enjoy blogging, and I enjoy getting my thoughts out and even to a certain extent connecting with the people I love in faraway lands, I'm sorry.... I think it's best for us all if this blog is all cotton candy and happy thoughts.

The rest is between God and me.

Just a Dull Ache Remains.

Funny how the heart heals.

Life has been tumultuous for me in the last half a year or so.
In many ways, I feel that I've aged.
I make a deliberate effort now to keep young... afraid that I will grow older before I'm supposed to that. I know many people have gone through worse than I have. But I'm not sure how much of what I've gone through recently can be considered a normal part of life in general.

All I know is that it is only by God's sheer grace and love that I am still here... that my heart still beats, that I still can feel. For a while I thought that I was numb.


Today there was blinding anger.
Then there was peace and resignation.
Charles Darwin once said in the survival of the species, it is not the strongest nor the most intelligent who carry on, but the most adaptable.
I'd like to think that I am adaptable... tenacious.
It would be so easy to simply surrender - to become a victim.
But I cannot.
It would be traitorous to who I know I am, and who I know I can/should be.


So the time has come for certain issues to be resolved, and for dreams to be rekindled.
And once the anger and pain has subsided, the dull ache remaining, the heart is once again able to hope - the spirit revived, the mind clear and free.

Oh to receive such moments of clarity in life
-- few and far between they are, but ever so precious and valuable.