Where Did You Go

Where Did You Go by Shimona


Almost 5 years ago, my brother, Reuben Kee, was one of five boys who drowned in a tragic dragon-boating accident in Cambodia.

A few days ago, I allowed myself some time to sit and miss him.

You see, when the event transpired, I was so clammed shut with emotions that I could not write.
Ironic, me being a songwriter and whatnot...

But inspiration is a tricky fella.
Almost 5 years later, I find myself remembering - the disbelief that he was really gone.
I think one of the most difficult things about death is that it usually happens suddenly... and well, lasts forever.

When my brother passed, I sometimes wanted to run away from my house.
The jarring "sameness" of everyday life was contrasted by the fact that nothing was ever going to be the same again.
I remember my mother being so devastated, she kept thinking he would just open the door and walk back into our house.

We've come a long way since then.
I strongly believe that it is not enough just to survive... we must also THRIVE.
Death is a fundamental part of life, and nothing on earth is permanent.
We took one step at a time, one day at a time..., and slowly but surely, we learned to live life again - without him.

But that hole is still very much there... still where he left it.

So this song is perhaps one of many other songs I shall write about the brother I miss so much.
Not with us anymore, but never forgotten.
We love you Reuben.

LYRICS:

Where did you go
when I turned around
you were there just a while ago

You walked along this life so strong
how could you suddenly be gone

And I am waiting for the moment
you return
I am waiting for the door to open
I am waiting to hear your voice
But where did you go, you're not here.

Where did you go
in the blink of an eye
you were gone and I did not know

I cannot see how you disappeared
from my life in a wisp of wind

Maybe someday I will understand
Maybe someday I will see
Why the Lord had to take you from me
but for now, you are gone, you're not here.

Take Time

Such is life.

In a bid to "move on" and live well, I don't normally let myself stop to think about my brother.

Sometimes I feel like I've lived several lives.
In one of these other lives, I had a younger brother. The reality of it is that he is no longer in my life.
Not in the same way.

What does one do when one has a whole lifetime ahead.., and has to redefine the word "sister"?


So eventually..., we are all forgotten. That is the plain sad truth.
Life is so fleeting. Reality so fragile.


So every now and again, I let myself remember.
I take time to pause and soak in the memories - of a past life with a naughty little brother I grew up with. Played with. Made music with.



To all who have left us too soon.
You have not been forgotten.

"One Last Try"

Last week when I was in BKK, my buddy Johnny and I were jamming.
He started playing a nice guitar rift, and suddenly turned to me and said "sing something to this".

Now, mind you, I was properly tired out - it was 1am(ish), and we'd been practising for the last few hours.
So as he played, I closed my eyes and sang the first few words that came to mind...

"Sitting in the dark, I wonder how. How it came to this - where we are right now..."

And thus a song was born.

I had no premeditated idea of what the song would be about.
It simply came to be.
And as I wrote the lyrics, a memory crystallized in my mind.
2007/2008 - those were two very dark, difficult years in my life.
Part of it was due to the tragic accident in which my younger brother passed away.
But the other part of it was the fact that my "happily ever after" had becoming a nightmare.

For a long time, I struggled and fought for a marriage that just wasn't meant to be.
And even till the point where I received the divorce papers... I truly believed that we could work it out.


I've moved on since then.
I'm still a happy person - I don't place blame, nor harbour regrets.
I simply decided to give myself a happy future.
But I never wrote a swan song for my marriage.


Recently, I learned that one of my friends is going through a divorce.
Empathy immediately flooded through my veins.
Not many people my age understand what it's like....


So when I wrote this song - I wrote it for myself.
And for all the broken people sitting on the brink of a big decision - to stay, or to go.

One Last Try

Sitting in the dark, I wonder how
How it came to this - where we are right now
I remember when our love was young and we thought we could.
But now we're stuck for words and we just can't figure out...

Is this goodbye or do we give it one last try?
Is this goodbye?
We cannot live a lie.
Is there something different this time?
Or is this goodbye?
Baby is this goodbye?

"Forever" was a word we thought that we could do.
If other people can, why can't we too?
Is it really so hard for us to stay in love?
Does it have to feel like work?
Have we lost track of who we are?

Is this goodbye or do we give it one last try?
Is this goodbye?
We cannot live a lie.
Is there something different this time?
Or is this goodbye?
Baby is this goodbye?

Leaves me cold and longing still...
for your warmth - I know I will
wonder if I leave you now...
Can I live without your love?
Or am I already living without?

Is this goodbye or do we give it one last try?
Is this goodbye?
We cannot live a lie.
Is there something different this time?
Or is this goodbye?
Baby is this goodbye?

2011 UPDATE!

Hi everyone,

Sorry for the lapse in updates!
So here's a short 2011 update on what's going on with my music...

First of all, I'm starting work on my debut full-length album.
Everything's still in the beginning stages right now, so I can't offer many details... but watch this space.

Secondly, "Christmas Lights" CDs are no longer for sale.... until end of the year.
There are only a limited number of CDs left. So I will start selling them later on as a limited edition CD. (Because they are LIMITED!)
But if you really want, you can still buy it the mp3s from www.shimona.bandcamp.com.
Oh and by the way, if you bought "Christmas Lights" and wish the CD came with track notes and lyrics, stay tuned - I'll be adding a page to my website which will feature the album notes.... akan datang (soon) !

Lastly, I'm taking in more voice students! So if you're interested in taking private voice masterclasses, do drop me an email - info@shimonakee.com.
I'll be starting to teach Private Voice to a select few at United World College SEA, and Replugged Music (both of these school and I are still in the scheduling stages) as well. Please note that my style of voice lessons focuses on both stylistics as well as basic fundamental vocal techniques that are often based on my classical voice training - I tailor lessons to the individual.

OK boys and girls... CNY is coming up. So enjoy the festivities, treasure your loved ones, and eat till you're prosperous!!
恭喜发财!!
Love,
~Shimona.

PS: I'll leave you with some of my songs from my the 1st night of my Originals Only concert at the Esplanade Concourse: CLICK HERE TO WATCH.

"CHRISTMAS LIGHTS" on sale ONLINE now!!

I'm am VERY VERY pleased to announce that my debut EP, "Christmas Lights" is for sale online!! WOOHOO!!!!!

http://shimona.bandcamp.com/

Have a pre-listen, and please please please support this indie artist by actually BUYING it!
I've painstakingly written notes for EACH track with great care - so just click the track titles and you will be able to read about some of the "stuff" that happens behind the construction of a song.
I never knew THIS much work goes into producing your own album! Ack! :p

Physical CDs will be on sale NEXT WEEK :
I will be selling them at gigs once it's ready.
My gig venues (CMPB and HOOD) have also agreed to hold some stock - so you can drop by and pick one up there even on days I'm not singing!
For details on gig dates/timings, check: http://shimonakee.com/anticipate
OR - if you know you will see me, send an email to info@shimonakee.com and I will save an EP for you - you can pay me direct whenever we meet for coffee/movie/dinner/church/whatever.
NOTE: If you are buying direct, pricing is minimum S$5, more if you're feeling charitable. :)

MAIL-ORDER THE EP:
Send an email to info@shimonakee.com and state the following information:
1. Your Name,
2. Your mailing address,
3. No. of CDs,
4. Amount you want to pay: Minimum cost is USD5 per CD, but you can give more if you… like, since part of the proceeds go to charity, no not my own charity… THIS CHARITY: http://insearchofsanuk.com/

PLEASE NOTE: You will get an invoice via email (to be paid to PayPal), and once payment is made, the CD will be on its way (once it is released).
I will be hand-mailing EACH EP personally. By regular mail. (Yeah, go INDIE artist!!) Postage will be included in your PayPal invoice.
CDs will be mailed out somewhere around Dec 15th. And YES, of course, the EP will be autographed with lotsa love and appreciation.

Purpose

3 years and 2 days ago, my brother, Reuben Kee, passed away in a fatal accident.
Ever since then, I have a habit of asking myself this question:
Why am I still here - alive?

It didn't really make sense - sometimes I wondered why not me - instead of him.
It's not like I could've been the one in the dragon boat race... I have never even stepped into a dragon boat before. But the point is that I did wonder why God allowed me to live on (instead).

So I decided that the fact that I'm still alive on this earth, meant that I'm supposed to still be here.... to do something, or touch someone's life, or make a difference... something.

It's easy to just live life and not even ask yourself why - or to try to ignore and avoid asking yourself - what am I here for?

I take it as a challenge - to find something everyday - that I'm doing... or saying... that affects someone else positively.
Whether it is learning to love and respect my parents, or smiling at a grumpy service staff, or having an attitude of openness for new friendships and experiences... the simple truth is that we don't have to be Mother Theresa or something to that effect to live life with purpose. It is the SENSE of purpose and intentionally moving with purpose everyday that gives rise to purpose itself.

What is your purpose?

Musical Inventory...

There's a new hot venue in town - TAB, which showcases local original talent, as well as new international artistes.

I'm singing there tonight.
Yay!


Despite having enough original music to fill at least 3 albums, I've never actually performed more than 3 of my own songs at one single performance.

Why?

Let's just say - audiences at venues such as bars or restaurants aren't usually too keen on hearing unknown stuff.
Familiar is comforting, and their ears perk up whenever I play a song like "Kiss Me" or "Time After Time".

That and - it's often hard to hear lyrics at live venues - and if you aren't familiar with a song, and can't hear the lyrics - it's probably going to be hard for you to identify with the song.

Yes, a catchy tune is important.
But to me, as a songwriter, lyrics are often what "gets" people.
I mean, yeah, music can push past language boundaries... sometimes a song without words can make you cry, or a song in a foreign language will touch your heart.
But more often than not, our favourite songs are the ones that we resonate with lyrically.


So tonight, I will be singing mostly originals.
Songs that have stories behind them - songs about love, betrayal, loneliness, friendship, tragedy... and I hope that whoever is in the audience will be able to listen astutely to the lyrics.

Because I wrote my heart into each of these songs.

Tonight's Bible Study - Mark 8:27-9:1

My notes/response/ponderings... about what the passage teaches us about Christ's identity and thus our spiritual walk with God:

1. Who is God?
2. What is He doing in my life / my world?
3. What does He ask me to do in response (to 1 and 2)?

And.... conversely...
1. What illusions do I hold about who God is?
2. What illusions do I hold about how He works in my life / this world?
3. Am I imposing my own ideas on what I think God is asking me to do, instead of simply obeying what He tells me to do?

Do I struggle and rebuke God when things don't go according to how I think they should go because I think I know how God should work?.... (Like Peter), and what is God teaching me about His character and HIS work - in relation to why I am here on earth?

The Call (Original)

The song that was born out of the crying mess God made of me this morning - when He planted the seed of sorrow for this world in me... and the burden to speak out against the silence - of the work that MUST be done.

The Call

Today I heard a man
He spoke of people suffering
Of little girls that fell prey to evil deeds of men.
I heard in lengthy details
And how the words pierced through my soul
I wept in silent agony, while my heart cried out, oh Lord!

What are we wasting our time on?
God, You’re calling us now
To be Your voice in this world
Your hands and Your feet as well
How can we sit so silently?
When the time to work is right now
Lord have mercy on us all
Open our ears to Your Call

I went home still shaken
By the message I had heard
Wanting to help in any way
But not quite knowing how.
Then I had to do my laundry
And those bills –they have to be paid!
I’ve so much already on my plate
I forgot what I had heard

What are we doing every day?
Living our comfortable lives
What about the urgency?
The workers are so few.
How can we quickly just forget
The vision God placed on our hearts
We should see the world with Kingdom eyes
And love Your children as You do

BR:
Heal our eyes that we might see
Heal our ears that we might hear
Our hearts must understand
The Call to serve You...

What are we wasting our time on?
God, you’re calling us now
To be Your voice in this world
Your hands and your feet as well
How can we sit so silently?
When the time to work is right now
Lord have mercy on us all
Open our ears to Your Call

We are your hands
We are your feet
We are Your servants
Lord send us!

~S. Written 0811209.

It's beginning to feel a lot like...

... winter! YAY!

2 days ago, it started getting a LOT cooler here in Bangkok.
So cool, I haven't turned my A/C on in more than 24 hours!
In fact, I woke this morning feeling chilled, and couldn't simply reach for the A/C remote and turn the A/C off.... had to close the windows. Heh.


So here we are in November, and just an inch away from 2010.
How time does fly.

School is getting to the point where everyone is crazybusy.
Teachers and staff look a tad insane because all our wonderful activities are crushed into the small time-bracket left for 2009.

Things have really changed at my school. What positive changes they have been too.
Everyone is learning a whole lot, and our school is definitely progressing in an upwards fashion.



On a personal note, the last few weeks have been... overloaded.
To the point where I succumbed to a cold virus for the first time in years. Eargh.
Forgot how sucky it is to be sick. Hahhahaa...

Anyway, I'm rushing off to work in just a bit, but wanted to blog a few glimpses I've had this last week:

In reflecting about what is life, and -- if I had just 4 minutes left on this earth, what I would say...

LIFE

It's not about...
money
health
beauty
conveniences
possession
having people you love physically with you
relationships with family and friends
feeling like you FIT
being happy
or satisfied with life
and especially not SELF...

For all is meaningless... a chasing after the wind.


RATHER,
it's ALL about
getting to know WHO GOD IS

EVERYTHING experienced in this life
is for the sole purpose of learning about WHO GOD IS
and letting His Character teach and seep into
your OWN life...
your work
your relationships
your activities
your mental/emotional state...
such that it is merely an overflow
of WHO GOD IS.

In fact,
one lifetime is possibly not enough!
That is how immense GOD is!

And so - the meaning of life..,
is wrapped around the Heart of God.
For without Him,
ALL is meaningless.
But FOR GOD,
ALL has meaning.
Even death itself.

HE is powerful above ALL.

My last post (Monday) was pretty despairing, I must admit... so lest you be misled into thinking that I've been spending my days miserable and confused.... I should give you an update.


I woke up Tuesday with prayers on my lips and the renewed strength of the Lord's guidance.

I realized that I had been under attack.
Satan up to his wiley old tricks again.
But no... this time I chose to remain in God's presence and not fear the devil.


My joy comes from the Lord.
So all it took was a simple surrender that God will fend off Satan's attacks.

And His blessed peace was on my heart once again.



I am not here on this earth to simply "feel good".

I am here for a purpose - and that is to show the Father's Love.
It's ok to be tired and dejected every so often.... being human and all.... but then we need to surrender even our tiredness and confusion to the Lord.... and let Him guide our thoughts and make our paths straight.

After all, this life on earth is so fleetingly brief.
Everything is meaningless like vapour... like wind.
Everything except God's Love - which goes on forever.
That is what we should and must focus on.

First Steps...

I don't know why I didn't do it before.
I guess I just needed a push or some inspiration and encouragement....

Won't divulge details yet, but there have been people who have come into my life within the last week and I know it is no accident that our paths crossed.

So... I downloaded a 30-day trial for Adobe Audition 3.0 today and laid my first multi-tracked song in YEARS.
Couldn't do it before cuz the program that my Sony Vaio came with didn't have multi-tracking capabilities. I know... lame excuse.
Let's just say - if you really wanna do something, nothing can/should stop you.
But if you don't, anything is an excuse.

So... played around with it for 2 hours getting to know the software, and came up with this:
The Prayer of Jabez
(first song on the list)

I wrote this song about 10 years ago (or more... can't remember) and it's resurfaced in the minds/ears of some of my friends lately due to the unfortunate passing of another who used to be a part of Jabez. First my brother Reuben, now Edwin.
Sigh.

So this song is for Edwin.
And all those hurting from the pain that separation from death deals us.
Hang on - we have a greater hope... and promise to claim in His name.

Rest My Dear Brother, Rest.

Reuben would've turned a quarter of a century old today.



Instead, he will remain 23 in our hearts and minds always.
And the hole in our hearts and lives will never be filled.

Death

A very interesting thought was presented during church last night.

How do you feel about death?
What do you think about when you think about heaven?


I must confess that I've been comforted by the thought of heaven - that I will see my loved ones again there. That there will not be pain or heartache or suffering anymore.



But truly, the point of heaven should be God.
And as a believer, if that be the case, I should see death as a mere doorway to seeing God again.

Simply put, death=meeting God "now".




We speculate that my brother, upon falling into the waters, had hit something and broken his neck, and died instantly - without realizing he was about to die.

I imagine that his next experience will be to open his eyes to the sight the reunion between us and God.

When I think about that.... it puts my heart at ease to let my grandma go.
That she will trade the suffering and pain of this life to walk through the doorway that will lead her to meeting God "sooner"... it is reassuring.




Heaven is about GOD.
Not about us.

Tragedy offers us the opportunity to learn and grow.

What on earth are we here for?

So often we tend to view our difficult situations or those painful experiences seemingly thrust upon us as excuses.
We become victims of circumstance, rather than an active participant in life.


Tragedies really are NOT fair.

I lost my only brother.
The only connection I will have in the world when my parents pass on.
Is that fair?

The man I promised my life to decided it wasn't worth it to fight for me.
Is that fair?

A couple's almost 2-year old drowned in their parents' swimming pool.
Is that fair?

A friend's brother's mind snapped and is now labelled as "crazy".
Is that fair?

These are merely the tragedies that have hit closest to home.
What about those people who have lost children or parents or siblings to war or natural disasters or disease or accidents?
Are any of these fair?


Resounding: NO.


Nothing in life is fair.

But instead of becoming a victim to these unfair happenings, we can choose to look at the "bright side" instead - what is life teaching me? How is this molding my character?

In talking to a friend last night, I realized that I've really really changed (mostly) in the last 2 years. Simply because of the toll tragedy has taken on my life.
Or rather, I should say, because of how I've let tragedy change me - for the better.


One night in early December 2007, I sat on the front porch of my empty house - just me and the stars.
I had just gotten back to Thailand from my brother's funeral in Singapore, and no one was at my house to greet me.
There were no comforting arms to hold me, no one to turn to.
I was utterly and completely alone.
And yet I didn't call a friend to come over to be with me.
I decided to fight my inner battles alone.

As I sat there on the porch in the quiet, somewhat still in shock over the week's happenings, feeling resentment and confusion at having been left to myself by my then-husband, I cried a little... but then slowly the tears dried up.

The stars were bright in the inky night sky, and I had a sense of smallness.
And suddenly... there He was.
The tear in my heart was lifted to the heavens... and I felt nothing but stillness and peace.
"Be still and know."





I cannot describe nor explain fully what happened that night.
All I know is that it was the beginning of a beautiful healing.
And the reason why my blog title was changed to what it is now - Happiness is a Choice.

Through tragedy, I discovered a person that was not there before.
Through hardship I learned to depend on no one else but God.
Through loneliness I found that I could still be happy regardless.


What do the tragedies of your life teach you?

Give Me Flowers While I Can Still Smell Them.

Over the last few months, I've attended quite a few farewells.

They all reminded me in a way of my brother's funeral.
One of the thoughts that crossed my grief-ridden mind, back in Nov 2007 when we held memorials at Reuben's wake and funeral... was:

I REALLY wish he could have been there to see all the people who love and miss him.
To comprehend the impact his life had made on theirs.


We are all an interwoven tapestry of social-emotional-physical connections.
Each life that touches another is significantly different.
And vice versa.
Yet we don't always sit back to ponder and realize this.


"Give me flowers while I am still alive"
(Or something to that effect)

When I first read that quote... it made so much sense.

Yes, we should remember in all fondness those who have passed and will not return.
But why wait till the ones who are here with us now are gone too before we truly appreciate them?

In the same way that we can only truly appreciate a flower's beauty and fragrance when we receive one (and not so much by memory of how a flower feels/looks/smells like), we should also strive to truly appreciate the beautiful people around us.

Because nothing lasts forever.
And everyone leaves.

Clarity

Interesting - I've observed this several times before, but I keep forgetting how much I love running for the clarity I receive.

Must be the additional oxygen my brain receives. Ha.

Received clarity about certain ongoing issues in my life.
Struggles I've had for years.



Also, was a tad inspired - I have the beginnings of a song. :)
Let's see what happens...



****

As I strolled the last stretch of sidewalk back home, I thought of Reuben.
He used to go for runs around our neighbourhood a lot.
And while I listened to some music, I looked up at the slowly darkening sky, and wondered - this was probably a sight Reuben had seen many times before on his way back home from a run.
Again, I wished ever so much to be a fantastic runner like him.
Just to do him proud.

My memories and my grief have been pretty private so far.
Not that that's bad.
It's merely a realization - some are more open with their grief.

I choose who I reveal mine to.

And yet...

****

A few days ago, an acquantance made an observation about my music (/originals).
He remarked that he has gotten to know me more through my music than through actual interaction with me. LOL...
Well, it's funny... music seems to be my most honest means of communication.
In it, I feel comfortable baring my soul.
And not many pick up on it.
Yes, many people listen to the songs I sing and tell me I sing nice and write nice songs... but not many realize just how much of myself I am revealing through those very songs.

It's nice to have that rare listener who more than appreciates, but resonates. :)


****

http://blip.fm/~4cv1p

Rayong, Reu, and Stairwell Home Recordings.

Over the weekend, I made a short trip to a quiet beach nearby Rayong - Maerampung Beach.

With a borrowed acoustic, the songs finally came...
... 1 about the twist and turns of life, and another... well, a little more intimate - of how I feel about losing my brother, Reuben.

See, I love water.
Always have been a water-baby.
But nowadays swimming, especially in the sea, is tinged by memories of my brother.
We learned to swim together.
We used to play such ridiculous games and compete to see who was the better swimmer.
Him of course.
But late 2007, he drowned in a murky river in Cambodia.
And ever since then, despite still loving water, I cannot help but wonder how he felt... as his lungs ran out of air and he sank into a deep darkness.

Not to get morbid on you or anything.. but I do wonder.
How painful was it?
Did he suffer long?
Could he taste the horribly dirty water?
Whenever I get a mouthful of salty seawater... I wonder what he thought as he failed to reach the surface for air.
.... so being at the beach again made me reflect on those things - somewhat removedly.




Anyyyywayyy.....
You can listen to my latest 2 songs (I recorded "Beyond" in the stairwell):

• Beyond - A Song for Reu
• Unfamiliar
  

And HERE are some pics from my weekend.




Enjoy! :)

Please Don't Forget

Time has passed, and will continue to pass us by.


Tomorrow, it will be 1 year and 3 months exactly since Reuben left us.
Life must go on.


I know my parents suffered the most in his passing.
I wish I had made more precious memories to keep with me.
For the latter part of his life I was always away.



I don't want to forget that I had a brother...

July 9, 1984.
I became a big sister.
I don't remember... but I hope I was proud to be a big sis.
He was brown and chubby.
Everyone liked to pinch his cheeks.

We would play together along the corridors of our Ang Mo Kio flat.
Running up and down the stairs.
Blackening the soles of our bare feet.

He followed me around.
We played pranks on the neighbours.
Moving slippers from outside one door to another.
Dropping water bombs from our window.

We fought over who would play the piano (though there was probably room for us both).
We tried to figure out Richard Claderman together.

We played make believe.
A thin mattress propped against a wall with a blanket hung over it was a tent.
He would be the superhero that saved the princess (me).

We went for swimming class together.
We got very dark.
We would pretend to be bells bobbing just beneath the surface of the water.
Ding dong ding...

We argued a lot.
He said he was smarter. (hahahaha..)
He called me fat. (this even when I really was skinny)
He ran around school and church screaming a lot like a girl.

He loved to play out in the sun.
He became very very dark.

When he was an early teen, I made fun of his lack of height and build.
All his peers had early growth spurts.
He was the last to "grow up".
But when he grew, boy did he grow!
He always had big feet - that must have been a clue that he would become tall.

We started working out.
I saw him less and less.
I had my music.
He had his sports.
We argued too much anyway.


When did he become so big?

He loved to eat chicken rice.
On rare occasions, we would go to the nearby gym together.
He brought me to (one of) his favourite chicken rice stalls.
He like to make his own version of chawamushi in the microwave.
It really was pretty damn good.

He would place his plate of rice on the fridge, near to the small fan - he didn't like his rice too hot.
He slept like a log.




I could write more.
But suddenly, I don't feel like sharing.
I'm trying to remember more of these precious memories.
They're coming back slowly.
And I want to hold them selfishly to myself.

I don't ever want to forget that I had a brother.
I don't want to be sad because he's gone.
But I can't forget him either.



Do you know what it's like - to go from always thinking of yourself as an older sister to nothing?
I thought there would always be the two of us...

No, life isn't fair.
I'm not gonna bitch about it.
I just miss him... and I'm afraid that one day I'll forget.
Even though he's gone...

I'm Shimona - Reuben's big sis.

Hello, how are you?

I'm fine, thank you. And you?




Pleasantries....

Sometimes I really hate pleasantries.
They're just so cursory and meaningless.
Of course when it's said between 2 mere acquaintances, it helps minimize awkwardness.

Maybe I'm just too honest.
I don't see a point in putting up pretenses... despite how I know sometimes those walls are there to protect us.

Maybe I've been "damaged" by the performer in me - where I feel the need to express truth and honesty in my actions, words, and music.... else I become just another shiny manufactured product.




Along with pleasantries are those oft-asked questions such as
Where are you from?
What is your occupation?
Do you have any siblings?

I still have issues with the last question.
Not because I don't want to tell them about my wonderful brother... but just cuz there's a kind of conflict in me - unsure of whether to launch into the whole story, or just be technically honest and say I don't have siblings (anymore - which, when I say that... I feel like stabbing myself for the betrayal).
Either way... whenever I'm asked that question, my heart skips a beat and my response can be pretty automatic and perfunctory.





It's been more than a year... and though this is the reality of my life, sometimes I can't really believe it myself.

I miss him.