Sing a song about faith....

I want to tell you about a song I recorded today.

I wrote this song a little more than a year ago.
It's called "A Promise is a Promise".

At the time that I wrote it, I wrote my excitement and fears about leaving Bangkok to move back home to Singapore.
The words spoke of a promise that was to be claimed - a strength that could be grasped in times of fear and doubt.

Last week, as I practised this song in preparation for today's studio recording, I realised how much more apt it was for my current circumstances.

Please don't think I am complaining.
I am not.
I am simply stating this:
It is insanely difficult struggling to make a living as a musician/singer in Singapore.
Why?
There are so many factors that I could site.
But I'd rather not get into that....
Just suffice to say that this is possibly the one trade you can be fantastically good at but still, hardly anyone will pay for your services/product.


ANYWAY....

Given these tough circumstances, and set it beside the fact that SINGAPORE IS AN EXPENSIVE PLACE TO LIVE IN...., and what do you get?
STRESS.


The point is - music is my full-time job.
I'm not in it for the money.
Never was.
I'm in it because I love music so much.
And somewhere along the way..., the industry, the lack of support, the brutal truth of reality - started to eat away at my faith in myself.
"If I'm really good at what I do, why aren't I succeeding?"

BUT.
Back to the song...

As I practised - sitting in my room, plucking at the guitar strings, legs crossed sitting on my bed - just like when I started out learning to play the guitar.. sitting on my bed at night, plucking and singing...,
I realised - the song isn't so much about a promise as it is about FAITH.

The focus isn't about the promise to be claimed at the end.
It's about how DIFFICULT faith can be during times of trouble.
How even when you don't FEEL like you're worth it..., that you're good enough, that you DESERVE the beautiful promise..., that you can STILL hold on to that sliver of hope and KEEP THE FAITH.

"Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on to His promises...
they're true."

** "A Promise is a Promise" will be released online (only) as a Single before my album release. Stay tuned for more details as they come.

Tminus3days

Been a while since I wrote a proper blog post. Update-style I mean... (not poetry as I am often wont to do)

So what's been going on?
I'm standing at the junction of yet another Life-Crossroads.
In just about 3 days, I will fly that oh so familiar budget airline plane... back to the country of my birth. Again.

Been back for many short trips over the last few months. But this time I'm moving back to Singapore. More or less for good.

((off on tangent for a bit...))
For good.
Why do people ask that - "Are you moving back for good?"
I mean... seriously, how am I supposed to know these things??!?!! Who know what will happen in a few years. I mean, just 4 years ago, I was on a path that was supposed to lead me to moving to Finland "for good".
Things change.
Suddenly.
Nothing is "for good".
((ok, tangent done))

For nearly 3 months, I've been involved in a local (Bangkok) theater production of Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream".
For those of you who don't know.., Bangkok's Arts scene is pretty much still untapped and very raw... and to stage a Shakespearean play takes a whole lotta guts (or crazy, or both)!
What's more, our production is staged intimately in the confines of a pub that serves as blacksmith factory by day and wine bar by night - The Iron Fairies.

The play opened last Wednesday to a sell-out crowd and an audience that was just a dream!
Today, I sit here in my room - luggage half-packed, contemplating the wild journey I embarked on ever since starting this production.
Tomorrow is our last night, and despite having caught the flu, I look forward to the last performance - anticipating relishing every moment.

Because on Thursday I move on to a new chapter of my life.
New beginnings, new challenges, pursuits of new passions, new priorities...

Excitement mingled with dread.
Push and pull.
Ahhh the tides of life they be.

The absence of fear is but an illusion...

I've always felt like I'm a pretty strong person.

Was never really afraid of the dark when I was a kid, never been one of those kinda girls to scream in terror at lizards or cockroaches (rather I merely release a little yelp and shudder in disgust).

I've weathered through some pretty tough situations and experiences - most of my peers cannot begin to fathom.

Admittedly, perhaps I grew up rather sheltered... protected by loving parents who tried their best to provide as much as they could, but more importantly teaching me strong values centered around the love of Christ.


I've also been the rather impulsive, emotional, impetuous type.
Took me a good 20 years to really understand that about myself.
I suspect it will take me more than that amount of time to adequately learn how to manage this impulsive nature.

Rather like a bull, I plough through situations and problems, confronting them head-on.


So it sure did startle me, when in the middle of some reflective thoughts today, I realized - I'm terribly afraid.

I'm afraid to give the men I meet a chance.
You know how it is -- when you first meet a person, chemistry (or none) dictates whether you shelve that person under the "friend", or "flame" category?
Well, suffice to say that my Male "friend" shelf is getting pretty crowded.


Honestly, I don't know anymore - what type of person I might want to be with.
IF I want to actually be with someone.
Sometimes I'm so busy with day-to-day activities..., perhaps it's best not to get emotionally involved with anyone.
Emotions are messy.

But isn't there a beauty in mess?



My thoughts run off....

Yes.
I am afraid.
I'm afraid to invest love only to find myself rejected, disappointed, unworthy...


Does this mean I am bereft of hope?
Absolutely not.
The presence of fear does not necessarily mean that hope is lost.

Right?

Tonight's Bible Study - Mark 8:27-9:1

My notes/response/ponderings... about what the passage teaches us about Christ's identity and thus our spiritual walk with God:

1. Who is God?
2. What is He doing in my life / my world?
3. What does He ask me to do in response (to 1 and 2)?

And.... conversely...
1. What illusions do I hold about who God is?
2. What illusions do I hold about how He works in my life / this world?
3. Am I imposing my own ideas on what I think God is asking me to do, instead of simply obeying what He tells me to do?

Do I struggle and rebuke God when things don't go according to how I think they should go because I think I know how God should work?.... (Like Peter), and what is God teaching me about His character and HIS work - in relation to why I am here on earth?

The Call (Original)

The song that was born out of the crying mess God made of me this morning - when He planted the seed of sorrow for this world in me... and the burden to speak out against the silence - of the work that MUST be done.

The Call

Today I heard a man
He spoke of people suffering
Of little girls that fell prey to evil deeds of men.
I heard in lengthy details
And how the words pierced through my soul
I wept in silent agony, while my heart cried out, oh Lord!

What are we wasting our time on?
God, You’re calling us now
To be Your voice in this world
Your hands and Your feet as well
How can we sit so silently?
When the time to work is right now
Lord have mercy on us all
Open our ears to Your Call

I went home still shaken
By the message I had heard
Wanting to help in any way
But not quite knowing how.
Then I had to do my laundry
And those bills –they have to be paid!
I’ve so much already on my plate
I forgot what I had heard

What are we doing every day?
Living our comfortable lives
What about the urgency?
The workers are so few.
How can we quickly just forget
The vision God placed on our hearts
We should see the world with Kingdom eyes
And love Your children as You do

BR:
Heal our eyes that we might see
Heal our ears that we might hear
Our hearts must understand
The Call to serve You...

What are we wasting our time on?
God, you’re calling us now
To be Your voice in this world
Your hands and your feet as well
How can we sit so silently?
When the time to work is right now
Lord have mercy on us all
Open our ears to Your Call

We are your hands
We are your feet
We are Your servants
Lord send us!

~S. Written 0811209.

HE is powerful above ALL.

My last post (Monday) was pretty despairing, I must admit... so lest you be misled into thinking that I've been spending my days miserable and confused.... I should give you an update.


I woke up Tuesday with prayers on my lips and the renewed strength of the Lord's guidance.

I realized that I had been under attack.
Satan up to his wiley old tricks again.
But no... this time I chose to remain in God's presence and not fear the devil.


My joy comes from the Lord.
So all it took was a simple surrender that God will fend off Satan's attacks.

And His blessed peace was on my heart once again.



I am not here on this earth to simply "feel good".

I am here for a purpose - and that is to show the Father's Love.
It's ok to be tired and dejected every so often.... being human and all.... but then we need to surrender even our tiredness and confusion to the Lord.... and let Him guide our thoughts and make our paths straight.

After all, this life on earth is so fleetingly brief.
Everything is meaningless like vapour... like wind.
Everything except God's Love - which goes on forever.
That is what we should and must focus on.

Sometimes I feel like rebuking the world we live in.

When will we realize that WE ARE NOT ALONE??

We are often our own worst enemies.
We tear ourselves apart with our insecurities and frustrations because of the ruts we inevitably get into trying to change ourselves for the better, only to come up losers.


Don't we realize that it's impossible for us alone, but not for God?

Is God not stronger than sin?
Has He not defeated death and separation?
Surely He is stronger that "self"!??
Can He not conquer ANYTHING in our lives?

Yet... why do we choose to give in to the darkness??????






That's all the words I can muster up right now.

"Ay, ay, a scratch, a scratch..."

What is with this insanely useless and ironic instinct we humans possess to put up fronts so that we appear "altogether there"???

We are so obviously NOT.
Least of all me.

Why We Must Thrive

In the face of tragedy and despair, we often ask ourselves:
How will I survive this?

But is merely surviving enough?

Death is part and parcel of life.
So is suffering, pain, heartache, separation, and disease.
But to simply lie down and admit defeat to the infirmities of life would be totally unfair to our Creator.


With each successive brush with the issue of mortality, I have come to notice that there is a pattern in my reaction:

Shock
Anger
Grief
Despair
Numbness
More grief
Surrender
and finally, a passionate gusto to grab life by the balls and LIVE IT UP.

And then, quite possibly, the cycle repeats at a lower intensity.

Each person reacts seemingly differently, and yet there are distinct similarities.
For those who must continue our journey can only do so by finding a reason.



Life needs a purpose.
You cannot just live it blindly.
But you don't need to sweat it either.
Because sometimes all you need to do to find that reason to live your life... is to take one breath at a time.



****


When I first heard the news of Edwin's demise a few days ago, I went into immediate shock and denial.
But when grief finally found me, the only way to drive it out was to cry out to God for peace.
And it came.
As sure as the next morning.


I fear for those who think they have to bear the grief alone.
For that is entirely untrue.
The biggest lie you can EVER tell yourself is that you are alone.
We are more alike than you can imagine.
You and me.
Our hearts break with the same intensity.
They just do not appear to be the same sometimes.
But in reaching out to one another, we can find solace.

That is why God created communities.
That is what the church is all about.
In this close-knit, albeit imperfect network of human relations, we find our purpose in life - to learn to love each other, to enrich others' lives.... to bear with each other.
To give and receive.

And in that act, somehow, we will not just survive, but thrive.

****


Rest in peace Edwin. Till we meet again...

Life After Death

Her fingers were soft and bony at the same time.
As I fought back tears, she patted my hand... reassuring me instead.

How strange, I thought, that she should be comforting me instead when she is the one in pain.


Death has a different flavour when it comes slowly.

When death came suddenly, we reacted with equal force.
We raised our fists to the sky in indignation and anger, only to fall into heavenly arms in defeat and surrender.

Life, in turn, had to be fought for.
Thickly, as if underwater, we carried on with our daily rituals, looking for reasons to live on.


I found myself loving life with gusto.
Resolute that no matter how tough the going got, I would always find a way to live life passionately and fully.
Because we never know when life may be cut short.
Death is just a part of life - we all die in the end.

But another part of life... is disease.
Youth is so often taken for granted - not just because we seem to have boundless amounts energy and optimism for the future, but also because our bodies have not begun to break down yet.

We make silly choices and develop hazardous habits that often takes a toll on our bodies when we are much older.

By then, it is too late to say, "Oh, I really shouldn't have done that."
Instead, we must deal with the consequences of those poor choices.

This is but a fact of life.



But my grandma has always been strong.
Strong-minded, strong-willed, and always bustling in the kitchen.
I remember the big difference in her character when she accepted God somewhere in my teenage years.
Her life, as far as I remember, has been one of service to others.
So I know how hard it is for her to be sick - waiting for death to finally come for her.
Not able to cook for others or wash the dishes.
Instead, having to depend on the love and kindness of the people around her.
It must be hard for her.
It is already infinitely hard for the people who love her to see her like this.


And as I held my grandma's hand, and watched my mother cry because grandma was suffering, a thought flew through my mind:

The wages of sin... is death?
Perhaps not immediately...
Because at this point, I think that death might be a welcome relief to this disease.
Maybe in this case, the wages of sin is pain and suffering, and any imperfection of life.




The last weekend of our Sydney trip, we visited the local Adventist church.
And as I sat quietly (albeit uncharacteristically silently) listening to their Sabbath school lesson... they briefly talked about sin.


What is sin?

Theologically there are many types of sin defined in the bible.
But the one that remains the most "personal" to me is the definition that sin is "falling short of the mark".
It is anything which separates us from God.

I've begun to taste the truth in this.
The consequences of sin can be seen in all aspects of life - for ALL have sinned, and fallen short of the glory of God.
These consequences include:
- broken relationships with our fellow man.
- the slow but sure degeneration of our bodies which lead to either disease, or death, or both.


Watching my grandma suffer physical pain as cancer slowly takes over her body, and then the emotional pain her loved ones go through as well - her childrens' eyes grow sad and cold with grief over her suffering... I understood.

This is the promise - the wonderful gift that God has given to us, made possible by His Son.
That there IS a world with none of this - a world with no sin - where we are no longer separated from the Life-Giver. Where the imperfections of this world that plague us, will be no more.
Neither death, nor disease, nor emotional suffering.



This morning, I awoke to the news that Michael Jackson had died.
Funny, because through a thick haze of sleep, my immediate reaction was one of shock but compassion:
Good for him, I thought, because he surely was not happy living his life here on earth.
His suffering has now come to an end.

Many say that MJ was "wacko".
But I think he was merely a person who believed in the beauty and innocence of life, and that longing for perfection was what seemed so strange to the rest of a disbelieving world.
He could not live his life "normally" because he was one of the few people who had the heart of a child. He pursued perfection through all the wrong means possible, seeking healing by sinking into repression/denial, drugs to numb the pain...
In other words - when faced with the realities of life, imperfect in all its facets, he simply could not deal.
(Don't quote me - that's just my opinion!)




The issues of death and the imperfection of life... so real and so tangible to me, especially in the last few years, have only led me to think this:

We should appreciate every wonderfully unique moment that life presents us.
No two sunsets will ever look the same.
Even within the same sunset, each moment is a new work of art.

Yet, while living each moment, we should also plan for the next.
We must invest in our future - our old age.
Make good dietary and physical choices while we are young.
Form good habit on how to live life - whether they be physical habits or cognitive habits.
For we all get old, but God has given us wisdom on how to live healthily and fully.

Most importantly, we do not need to despair.
When death and disease and suffering comes our way.
For they are to be expected in a life separated from God.
We must hold our heads up high, and lift our voices in praise - for the Conqueror has overcome all that separates us....
...and one day, we shall meet our Hero -
The God who cries with us each time we face these trials in life.
The Saviour who has conquered death and has deemed us somehow worthy to live perfect lives one day.

We will finally live how we were meant to live - when our Creator made us in all perfection.

So pursue an authentic relationship with Christ.
Get to know your family.
Keep in touch with your friends.
Put to practice the wisdom given by the bible on how to live life well.






I wonder how my grandma will look like when I meet her in that perfection.
She must have been a beautiful young girl.

********

Lullaby for Grandma

Up where the stars are
the night wind blows soft.
Moon shines a lullaby
Magic aloft.

Sleep must come silently
to those who have waited long
for dreams to
rest on
the eyelids
that needed sleep to rest their soul.

Hands clasped together
Lips pursed so tight.
Eyes cast to Heaven,
Where are You tonight?

Do You hear all my prayers?
Every word lifted up
by Your own
Angels
who hold us
and never leave us all alone.

Up where the stars are
the night wind blows soft....

~S.21062009~

*sobsob!!*

The classroom is empty, the walls are all bare.
The children have left, now I sit here and stare....



.... for a while that is.
Now I have to pack all my stuff up - moving from the classroom to the counselling room.

Next school year is gonna be interesting.
I have my work cut out for me.
:)












I miss them already!!!!
BOOOOOHHHOOOOO.......

What This Blog is About

Sorry people... I don't mean to be morbid.
I know the last few posts have been quite a bit to do with death.
But hey, death is a part of life.
I guess when you've sorta stared it in the face, and come to terms with the reality of it, it ceases to be "morbid".

Anyway, I just wanted to put it plainly out there - that although this blog is called Happiness is a Choice, it doesn't mean that I condescend to be cheerful and bright all the time.

On the contrary, I believe that embracing one's sadness, dealing with pain and heartache... is a very important aspect of... healthy happiness. If you could call it that.

Happiness isn't being cheery.
Rather, I believe that it is the ability to stare life in the eye and still smile in the midst of everything.

It's a kind of courage really.
The courage to live day by day.
With love, kindness, compassion, and forgiveness.



So pardon my bouts of sadness and the pensive, slightly philosophical thoughts on life.
I'm merely being a tad too transparent with the process by which leads me to happiness. :)

Just a Matter of Time..

Got the official word on what exactly is wrong with my grandma.
Colon cancer, stage 4.




Sigh.
We pray that she will go painlessly and soon.

I love her so much!
How can it be right to pray for someone to die?

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die,
A time to plant and a time to uproot,
A time to kill and a time to heal,
A time to tear down and a time to build.
A time to weep and a time to laugh,
A time to mourn and a time to dance,
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
A time to embrace and a time to refrain,
A time to search and a time to give up,
A time to keep and a time to throw away,
A time to tear and a time to mend,
A time to be silent and a time to speak,
A time to love and a time to hate,
A time for war and a time for peace.

I'm glad I'm due to be back in Singapore in just a few weeks.

Give Me Flowers While I Can Still Smell Them.

Over the last few months, I've attended quite a few farewells.

They all reminded me in a way of my brother's funeral.
One of the thoughts that crossed my grief-ridden mind, back in Nov 2007 when we held memorials at Reuben's wake and funeral... was:

I REALLY wish he could have been there to see all the people who love and miss him.
To comprehend the impact his life had made on theirs.


We are all an interwoven tapestry of social-emotional-physical connections.
Each life that touches another is significantly different.
And vice versa.
Yet we don't always sit back to ponder and realize this.


"Give me flowers while I am still alive"
(Or something to that effect)

When I first read that quote... it made so much sense.

Yes, we should remember in all fondness those who have passed and will not return.
But why wait till the ones who are here with us now are gone too before we truly appreciate them?

In the same way that we can only truly appreciate a flower's beauty and fragrance when we receive one (and not so much by memory of how a flower feels/looks/smells like), we should also strive to truly appreciate the beautiful people around us.

Because nothing lasts forever.
And everyone leaves.

Romance Aside...

I just got back from one of THE most romantic weddings EVER.

During the video of the groom's proposal, I found myself feeling like that little girl again - wanting to believe in the existence Prince Charming.

Being able to marry your best friend, and to build a marriage on a common love for God.... that's pretty rare in this day and age if you ask me.


I'll be painfully honest.
A part of me just went cold and hard when those romantic moments strolled by.
Having gotten the official divorce documents... yes, I'm legally single again... I find myself a tad unsure of how to feel.

OK, more than a tad.



Part of me wants... really badly, to trust God - to have faith that He will deliver me... and that if I need to be with a Significant Other, He will guide us to be together... it's just a matter of time.

But the other part of me - the part that has been hurt and is so afraid to trust anymore... well, that part just doesn't want to put her heart out there anymore.

How can you hope to believe in happily ever after with someone else, when all you've learned is that you're happier alone??


But I don't want to be alone.
Not many people do!
I know I can deal with loneliness... but the woman in me needs a man.
And the person I know myself to be, well, is a downright romantic who's never been indulged!




So yeah.... while I'm very very happy for my two friends who've found true love,
I've quite emotionally perturbed currently.

My grandma's in the hospital....

:(



Please pray for her.

So this really is goodbye....

Legalities, languages and translation barriers aside... it's official.

Thank God.





Thus ends another chapter of my life.
Onwards....

In Anticipation of the Beach....

Simple lyrics.
Beautiful song.

I'm pretty sure that this song will be tickling the insides of my ears while my toes make patterns in the sand...

And It's Alright - Peter Broderick

seven shooting stars in one night
the water and sand in our eyesight
the rocks in our hands preparing for flight
the lack of sleeping but it's alright

and it's all
and it's all
and it's all
and it's all
it's alright
it's alright

It's one of those days again....
Sigh.

Hiatus OVER!

And just like that.

It's pretty amazing how He always does that - at the height of my frustration, bitterness, and anger... He just fills me with HIM again.



Father... I have no words.

Pardon Me...

... Little Miss Sunshine has gone on a brief hiatus.