Where Did You Go

Where Did You Go by Shimona


Almost 5 years ago, my brother, Reuben Kee, was one of five boys who drowned in a tragic dragon-boating accident in Cambodia.

A few days ago, I allowed myself some time to sit and miss him.

You see, when the event transpired, I was so clammed shut with emotions that I could not write.
Ironic, me being a songwriter and whatnot...

But inspiration is a tricky fella.
Almost 5 years later, I find myself remembering - the disbelief that he was really gone.
I think one of the most difficult things about death is that it usually happens suddenly... and well, lasts forever.

When my brother passed, I sometimes wanted to run away from my house.
The jarring "sameness" of everyday life was contrasted by the fact that nothing was ever going to be the same again.
I remember my mother being so devastated, she kept thinking he would just open the door and walk back into our house.

We've come a long way since then.
I strongly believe that it is not enough just to survive... we must also THRIVE.
Death is a fundamental part of life, and nothing on earth is permanent.
We took one step at a time, one day at a time..., and slowly but surely, we learned to live life again - without him.

But that hole is still very much there... still where he left it.

So this song is perhaps one of many other songs I shall write about the brother I miss so much.
Not with us anymore, but never forgotten.
We love you Reuben.

LYRICS:

Where did you go
when I turned around
you were there just a while ago

You walked along this life so strong
how could you suddenly be gone

And I am waiting for the moment
you return
I am waiting for the door to open
I am waiting to hear your voice
But where did you go, you're not here.

Where did you go
in the blink of an eye
you were gone and I did not know

I cannot see how you disappeared
from my life in a wisp of wind

Maybe someday I will understand
Maybe someday I will see
Why the Lord had to take you from me
but for now, you are gone, you're not here.

Almost There... Where?

Wow.

As I sat and listened to the final mix of A Promise is a Promise, it suddenly REALLY hit me - I'm almost done!

After gathering songs I've written over the last decade, polishing them up, practicing, arranging, recording, re-recording, adding, subtracting, re-recording..., wrestling with mixing, ideas of better arrangements, wishing I could have played/sung it better, wishing I'd written easier songs.... mixing, mixing, mixing... and now we're here - on the brink of musical completion.

I will NEVER look at music in the same way again.

And tonight, as I write this - we're just 1 week away from sending all the music to the printer to press and print the CDs.

The album artwork is 95% finished, my Thank Yous written, rewritten, and waiting to be rewritten again tonight and tmw.

I may not end up with a perfect product, but I sure as heck am trying my best to give my most perfect effort.

There's still so much to be done... that I almost feel like I can't just sit here and be happy that we're pretty much done with production.

I still have yet to plan how to launch, promote and sell my album - I'm completely independent... so that means - lots of work to hard sell my own product. I'm considering placing some stock at Gramaphone...

What other ways do local artists in Singapore have to push their music to a mostly nonchalant public? I don't have the advertising power of Lady Gaga, (and neither the image to cause that kind of hoo haa to generate interest), I don't really wanna go table to table at each venue I play at trying to peddle my wares.

Yes, thus is the plight of the local indie artist.

Anyway, those are thoughts for another day.

For now I am just going to sit here and listen to my final raw mixes and be happy that I've actually made it THIS far.

I've a long way to go still..., but I won't discount the fact that I've also come a long way. :)

Put the Past Where it Belongs - Behind You.

Humans are sentimental creatures.
We are often haunted by ghosts of the past which linger in our memories and hinder our ability to be/stay happy.

Having been through the death of a sibling and a divorce (at about the same time), I believe in leaving the last where it is... in the past.

I read somewhere once that dealing with a divorce is often like dealing with a death.
I think that's quite true. Except that when it comes to an actual death, you actually want to keep the memories alive.
Personally, I'd rather forget as much as I can about my failed relationships.


**** ****

I'm feeling that longing creeping up on me again.
The need to belong to someone.
Which, at this point, I deem a bad thing.... because I see absolutely no prospects around me.
I just don't seem to have any of the right chemistry with anyone.

I haven't felt the need to be with someone... so strongly... since maybe three years ago.
I've become so happy being by myself.
It's uncomplicated, comfortable, and smooth-sailing.
I'm generally a lot more happy single than I ever was when attached.
(Does this speak of my adapting to singlehood? Or perhaps my bad taste for uncompatible men?)


Anyway..., I'm just feeling very tangled up right now.
Thought to get it out.
I'm half mad at the way things have turned out in my life,
half blase and all like "whatever",
half desperate for change,
and half completely terrified to be any other way than now.
That adds up to being twice confused.

OK I'm done psycho-babbling.

"One Last Try"

Last week when I was in BKK, my buddy Johnny and I were jamming.
He started playing a nice guitar rift, and suddenly turned to me and said "sing something to this".

Now, mind you, I was properly tired out - it was 1am(ish), and we'd been practising for the last few hours.
So as he played, I closed my eyes and sang the first few words that came to mind...

"Sitting in the dark, I wonder how. How it came to this - where we are right now..."

And thus a song was born.

I had no premeditated idea of what the song would be about.
It simply came to be.
And as I wrote the lyrics, a memory crystallized in my mind.
2007/2008 - those were two very dark, difficult years in my life.
Part of it was due to the tragic accident in which my younger brother passed away.
But the other part of it was the fact that my "happily ever after" had becoming a nightmare.

For a long time, I struggled and fought for a marriage that just wasn't meant to be.
And even till the point where I received the divorce papers... I truly believed that we could work it out.


I've moved on since then.
I'm still a happy person - I don't place blame, nor harbour regrets.
I simply decided to give myself a happy future.
But I never wrote a swan song for my marriage.


Recently, I learned that one of my friends is going through a divorce.
Empathy immediately flooded through my veins.
Not many people my age understand what it's like....


So when I wrote this song - I wrote it for myself.
And for all the broken people sitting on the brink of a big decision - to stay, or to go.

One Last Try

Sitting in the dark, I wonder how
How it came to this - where we are right now
I remember when our love was young and we thought we could.
But now we're stuck for words and we just can't figure out...

Is this goodbye or do we give it one last try?
Is this goodbye?
We cannot live a lie.
Is there something different this time?
Or is this goodbye?
Baby is this goodbye?

"Forever" was a word we thought that we could do.
If other people can, why can't we too?
Is it really so hard for us to stay in love?
Does it have to feel like work?
Have we lost track of who we are?

Is this goodbye or do we give it one last try?
Is this goodbye?
We cannot live a lie.
Is there something different this time?
Or is this goodbye?
Baby is this goodbye?

Leaves me cold and longing still...
for your warmth - I know I will
wonder if I leave you now...
Can I live without your love?
Or am I already living without?

Is this goodbye or do we give it one last try?
Is this goodbye?
We cannot live a lie.
Is there something different this time?
Or is this goodbye?
Baby is this goodbye?

Purpose

3 years and 2 days ago, my brother, Reuben Kee, passed away in a fatal accident.
Ever since then, I have a habit of asking myself this question:
Why am I still here - alive?

It didn't really make sense - sometimes I wondered why not me - instead of him.
It's not like I could've been the one in the dragon boat race... I have never even stepped into a dragon boat before. But the point is that I did wonder why God allowed me to live on (instead).

So I decided that the fact that I'm still alive on this earth, meant that I'm supposed to still be here.... to do something, or touch someone's life, or make a difference... something.

It's easy to just live life and not even ask yourself why - or to try to ignore and avoid asking yourself - what am I here for?

I take it as a challenge - to find something everyday - that I'm doing... or saying... that affects someone else positively.
Whether it is learning to love and respect my parents, or smiling at a grumpy service staff, or having an attitude of openness for new friendships and experiences... the simple truth is that we don't have to be Mother Theresa or something to that effect to live life with purpose. It is the SENSE of purpose and intentionally moving with purpose everyday that gives rise to purpose itself.

What is your purpose?

Tminus3days

Been a while since I wrote a proper blog post. Update-style I mean... (not poetry as I am often wont to do)

So what's been going on?
I'm standing at the junction of yet another Life-Crossroads.
In just about 3 days, I will fly that oh so familiar budget airline plane... back to the country of my birth. Again.

Been back for many short trips over the last few months. But this time I'm moving back to Singapore. More or less for good.

((off on tangent for a bit...))
For good.
Why do people ask that - "Are you moving back for good?"
I mean... seriously, how am I supposed to know these things??!?!! Who know what will happen in a few years. I mean, just 4 years ago, I was on a path that was supposed to lead me to moving to Finland "for good".
Things change.
Suddenly.
Nothing is "for good".
((ok, tangent done))

For nearly 3 months, I've been involved in a local (Bangkok) theater production of Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream".
For those of you who don't know.., Bangkok's Arts scene is pretty much still untapped and very raw... and to stage a Shakespearean play takes a whole lotta guts (or crazy, or both)!
What's more, our production is staged intimately in the confines of a pub that serves as blacksmith factory by day and wine bar by night - The Iron Fairies.

The play opened last Wednesday to a sell-out crowd and an audience that was just a dream!
Today, I sit here in my room - luggage half-packed, contemplating the wild journey I embarked on ever since starting this production.
Tomorrow is our last night, and despite having caught the flu, I look forward to the last performance - anticipating relishing every moment.

Because on Thursday I move on to a new chapter of my life.
New beginnings, new challenges, pursuits of new passions, new priorities...

Excitement mingled with dread.
Push and pull.
Ahhh the tides of life they be.

The absence of fear is but an illusion...

I've always felt like I'm a pretty strong person.

Was never really afraid of the dark when I was a kid, never been one of those kinda girls to scream in terror at lizards or cockroaches (rather I merely release a little yelp and shudder in disgust).

I've weathered through some pretty tough situations and experiences - most of my peers cannot begin to fathom.

Admittedly, perhaps I grew up rather sheltered... protected by loving parents who tried their best to provide as much as they could, but more importantly teaching me strong values centered around the love of Christ.


I've also been the rather impulsive, emotional, impetuous type.
Took me a good 20 years to really understand that about myself.
I suspect it will take me more than that amount of time to adequately learn how to manage this impulsive nature.

Rather like a bull, I plough through situations and problems, confronting them head-on.


So it sure did startle me, when in the middle of some reflective thoughts today, I realized - I'm terribly afraid.

I'm afraid to give the men I meet a chance.
You know how it is -- when you first meet a person, chemistry (or none) dictates whether you shelve that person under the "friend", or "flame" category?
Well, suffice to say that my Male "friend" shelf is getting pretty crowded.


Honestly, I don't know anymore - what type of person I might want to be with.
IF I want to actually be with someone.
Sometimes I'm so busy with day-to-day activities..., perhaps it's best not to get emotionally involved with anyone.
Emotions are messy.

But isn't there a beauty in mess?



My thoughts run off....

Yes.
I am afraid.
I'm afraid to invest love only to find myself rejected, disappointed, unworthy...


Does this mean I am bereft of hope?
Absolutely not.
The presence of fear does not necessarily mean that hope is lost.

Right?

At the turn of the decade....

Almost 10 years ago, we saw the turn of the millenium.
Now here comes another decade.

So to say hello to the TWENTIES and goodbye to ol' TWO THOUSAND..... (I'm pretty sure we're gonna be saying 20-10 instead of two thousand and ten.... and 20-11, 20-12, and so and so forth)..., here's my shortlist of remarkable things that I've experienced and learned in this past decade. (Good and Bad, and in no particular order)

1. Studied and moved to another country - quite unintentionally really - I was never one of those Singaporeans who grew up dreaming of fleeing the country.... it just sort of happened!
2. Tried out 3 entirely different professions - Musician (2001-2004), Teacher (2008-2009), and now Counselor (2008-present).
3. Got back in touch with some old schoolmates.
4. Got married...., and divorced. Yeah, no comment.
5. Lost a precious brother (2007). http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reuben_Kee
   
6. Learned to treasure family better.
7. Reconnected (several times) with God..., and finally learning to push past discomfiture and find the intention behind the trials.
8. Reconnected with songwriting (2008)
   
9. Dabbled in different styles of singing (jazz, pop, folk, classical, choir-conducting)
10. Learned to dance - jazz (2003), Thriller (2009),and now salsa!
    
11. "Experienced" 9-11 (2001) in Canada (was an hour away from landing in NY, when our plane got rerouted to Canada)
12. Graduated twice - Business (2001), and Psychology and Education (2008) with honours!!
13. Got back into classical piano, culminating in a recital (2006).., but unfortunately losing momentum now because I have no access to a piano anymore. Yeeessshhh....
14. Taught myself how to film and edit video..., which led to the eventual conception of W51.TV (2009).
15. Learned to be a lot more open to new cultures, new ideas, new worldviews, and most importantly - new people.
16. Learned to when to let go and when to hold on. I hope.
17. Got pushed off a Bungee Jump (2009).
18. Learned a new instrument - ukulele..., and semi-learned: flute.
19. Became a little more organized - thanks Google Calendar! ;)
20. Experienced some crazy Finnish exploits - ice-dipping and the sort.
21. Joined Facebook (2006 I think). 'Nuff said.
22. Won a TV singing competition (2001)
23. Got into yoga (2004). Then hot yoga (2008).
24. Learned to drive a motorbike (2004).
25. Learned to love mountain-biking (2005). (Boy, do I miss that now!)

Now.... to be fair, here is my projection for myself - for the next decade.

1. Learn to and become at LEAST moderately good at dancing.
2. Get my act together musically - record and get stuff OUT there.
3. Find a way to help the underprivileged with my musical proceeds.
4. Gain stability monetarily.
5. LEARN THAI.
6. Keep healthier eating habits. (It has already begun - with Chinese tea-drinking, and keeping snacks away from my living space)
7. Travel a LOT more. Hopefully... This might have a significant impact on #4.
8. Dependent on #4 - Learn to play the cello.
9. God willing, find love. For real this time.
10. Whatever else life throws my way!!!

I don't normally make resolutions - so I'll just keep these as projections.... sounds more likely that way eh? ;)

Happy New Year in advance everyone!

Attachments are Dangerous Things.

We know about the evils of getting too attached to worldly possessions, lifestyles, etc.
But have you ever stopped to think about relational attachments?

Yes, it is important, very much so, to be appreciative and love the people who are in our lives.
But we must not grasp so tightly that we cannot let them go.

Life is transient and all things in life equally so.
To be too attached to the things of this life... and even the relationships of this life, that it hinders our growth or our ability to move on to new relationships..., well lately, I've been thinking it's a bigger problem then many care to admit.


Just that.
Just a thought.

Tonight's Bible Study - Mark 8:27-9:1

My notes/response/ponderings... about what the passage teaches us about Christ's identity and thus our spiritual walk with God:

1. Who is God?
2. What is He doing in my life / my world?
3. What does He ask me to do in response (to 1 and 2)?

And.... conversely...
1. What illusions do I hold about who God is?
2. What illusions do I hold about how He works in my life / this world?
3. Am I imposing my own ideas on what I think God is asking me to do, instead of simply obeying what He tells me to do?

Do I struggle and rebuke God when things don't go according to how I think they should go because I think I know how God should work?.... (Like Peter), and what is God teaching me about His character and HIS work - in relation to why I am here on earth?

It's beginning to feel a lot like...

... winter! YAY!

2 days ago, it started getting a LOT cooler here in Bangkok.
So cool, I haven't turned my A/C on in more than 24 hours!
In fact, I woke this morning feeling chilled, and couldn't simply reach for the A/C remote and turn the A/C off.... had to close the windows. Heh.


So here we are in November, and just an inch away from 2010.
How time does fly.

School is getting to the point where everyone is crazybusy.
Teachers and staff look a tad insane because all our wonderful activities are crushed into the small time-bracket left for 2009.

Things have really changed at my school. What positive changes they have been too.
Everyone is learning a whole lot, and our school is definitely progressing in an upwards fashion.



On a personal note, the last few weeks have been... overloaded.
To the point where I succumbed to a cold virus for the first time in years. Eargh.
Forgot how sucky it is to be sick. Hahhahaa...

Anyway, I'm rushing off to work in just a bit, but wanted to blog a few glimpses I've had this last week:

In reflecting about what is life, and -- if I had just 4 minutes left on this earth, what I would say...

LIFE

It's not about...
money
health
beauty
conveniences
possession
having people you love physically with you
relationships with family and friends
feeling like you FIT
being happy
or satisfied with life
and especially not SELF...

For all is meaningless... a chasing after the wind.


RATHER,
it's ALL about
getting to know WHO GOD IS

EVERYTHING experienced in this life
is for the sole purpose of learning about WHO GOD IS
and letting His Character teach and seep into
your OWN life...
your work
your relationships
your activities
your mental/emotional state...
such that it is merely an overflow
of WHO GOD IS.

In fact,
one lifetime is possibly not enough!
That is how immense GOD is!

And so - the meaning of life..,
is wrapped around the Heart of God.
For without Him,
ALL is meaningless.
But FOR GOD,
ALL has meaning.
Even death itself.

(No Need To) Rescue Me.... Won't You Hold My Hand?

A while ago, I wrote in my fb status that I don't need a Prince to come rescue me on a white horse (anymore).

While that still stands..., I realize now that there needs to be a sort of balance.


I'm having one of those off days - where nothing about the day or what's happening is really the problem. Rather, it's all emotional and cognitive.

Exploring God's Will for my life whilst discovering the need to serve Him has been a wonderfully exhilarating experience. So exhilarating, I felt invincible for quite a while - equipped with His loving power.

I rode the "high" wave for quite a while... and it's been a while since I've felt this.... BLEAH.


So I think that "high" has laid a good ground for the current BLEAH wave I'm starting/crashing out on.




See, I'm one of those females that DON'T fall over when the wind blows.
Neither do I need constant validation to secure my belief in who I am as an individual.
However, I am still a woman.
I do still need affection and care and love.

So, yes, of course I resonate with resounding clarity when friends gripe about the lack of good, mature men left in the market.
I believe that my growth as an individual is helps to prepare me to be a better half.
But at the same time... I don't depend on it anymore - being an other half to someone.

Are you confused after reading all that?
You should be.
Because I don't quite get what I'm writing. Altogether.


Let's just say that on an average day, I'm happy to be carefree and single.
And today's not one of those days.
But I'm not about to up and do something stupid that I'll regret later.

I've done that once before.

Spirals and Spirals... what can I say?

Some of us, it seems, go through the flames alone.

Even in reaching out, we are disappointed.
So we reach up.
He never fails.


But when will those around finally get it?
Do we concede defeat so easily, failing to claim His power in our lives?




Why is it that every single time I pray He sends someone, He answers the opposite.

What are you teaching me Lord?
How can I learn?
.... Because I surely must.

Sometimes I feel like rebuking the world we live in.

When will we realize that WE ARE NOT ALONE??

We are often our own worst enemies.
We tear ourselves apart with our insecurities and frustrations because of the ruts we inevitably get into trying to change ourselves for the better, only to come up losers.


Don't we realize that it's impossible for us alone, but not for God?

Is God not stronger than sin?
Has He not defeated death and separation?
Surely He is stronger that "self"!??
Can He not conquer ANYTHING in our lives?

Yet... why do we choose to give in to the darkness??????






That's all the words I can muster up right now.

"Ay, ay, a scratch, a scratch..."

What is with this insanely useless and ironic instinct we humans possess to put up fronts so that we appear "altogether there"???

We are so obviously NOT.
Least of all me.

The words that cannot leave these lips...

People who know me may find this hard to believe..., but the true reason I write/blog is because so often the words form in my brain and twirl around in my mouth, but never leave my lips.

Why?
Perhaps it's some of the leftover shyness I had as a child.
Or maybe writing it feels a little more detached, hence safer.

There is also a kind of beauty in words.
And I'm not one of those people who can muster together strings of word that can be coherently verbalized out loud on a whim.
Most times, the words churn around in my mind for a while before they can settle in some kind of sense.
And then they lie plastered on the inside of my lips.
They just won't exit.
At times some other words do instead.


Above all, and I think this idea will probably resonate with many other people who write or use creative outlets, expressing oneself in some roundabout manner allows the option for the people around us to care.
Without the fear of immediate rejection.

It's like saying, "Hey, here are the words that show my heart on a string.
Reply if you understand and care for me."


I guess it's just really, really, REALLY hard for us to actually come out and say things like that.

Life After Death

Her fingers were soft and bony at the same time.
As I fought back tears, she patted my hand... reassuring me instead.

How strange, I thought, that she should be comforting me instead when she is the one in pain.


Death has a different flavour when it comes slowly.

When death came suddenly, we reacted with equal force.
We raised our fists to the sky in indignation and anger, only to fall into heavenly arms in defeat and surrender.

Life, in turn, had to be fought for.
Thickly, as if underwater, we carried on with our daily rituals, looking for reasons to live on.


I found myself loving life with gusto.
Resolute that no matter how tough the going got, I would always find a way to live life passionately and fully.
Because we never know when life may be cut short.
Death is just a part of life - we all die in the end.

But another part of life... is disease.
Youth is so often taken for granted - not just because we seem to have boundless amounts energy and optimism for the future, but also because our bodies have not begun to break down yet.

We make silly choices and develop hazardous habits that often takes a toll on our bodies when we are much older.

By then, it is too late to say, "Oh, I really shouldn't have done that."
Instead, we must deal with the consequences of those poor choices.

This is but a fact of life.



But my grandma has always been strong.
Strong-minded, strong-willed, and always bustling in the kitchen.
I remember the big difference in her character when she accepted God somewhere in my teenage years.
Her life, as far as I remember, has been one of service to others.
So I know how hard it is for her to be sick - waiting for death to finally come for her.
Not able to cook for others or wash the dishes.
Instead, having to depend on the love and kindness of the people around her.
It must be hard for her.
It is already infinitely hard for the people who love her to see her like this.


And as I held my grandma's hand, and watched my mother cry because grandma was suffering, a thought flew through my mind:

The wages of sin... is death?
Perhaps not immediately...
Because at this point, I think that death might be a welcome relief to this disease.
Maybe in this case, the wages of sin is pain and suffering, and any imperfection of life.




The last weekend of our Sydney trip, we visited the local Adventist church.
And as I sat quietly (albeit uncharacteristically silently) listening to their Sabbath school lesson... they briefly talked about sin.


What is sin?

Theologically there are many types of sin defined in the bible.
But the one that remains the most "personal" to me is the definition that sin is "falling short of the mark".
It is anything which separates us from God.

I've begun to taste the truth in this.
The consequences of sin can be seen in all aspects of life - for ALL have sinned, and fallen short of the glory of God.
These consequences include:
- broken relationships with our fellow man.
- the slow but sure degeneration of our bodies which lead to either disease, or death, or both.


Watching my grandma suffer physical pain as cancer slowly takes over her body, and then the emotional pain her loved ones go through as well - her childrens' eyes grow sad and cold with grief over her suffering... I understood.

This is the promise - the wonderful gift that God has given to us, made possible by His Son.
That there IS a world with none of this - a world with no sin - where we are no longer separated from the Life-Giver. Where the imperfections of this world that plague us, will be no more.
Neither death, nor disease, nor emotional suffering.



This morning, I awoke to the news that Michael Jackson had died.
Funny, because through a thick haze of sleep, my immediate reaction was one of shock but compassion:
Good for him, I thought, because he surely was not happy living his life here on earth.
His suffering has now come to an end.

Many say that MJ was "wacko".
But I think he was merely a person who believed in the beauty and innocence of life, and that longing for perfection was what seemed so strange to the rest of a disbelieving world.
He could not live his life "normally" because he was one of the few people who had the heart of a child. He pursued perfection through all the wrong means possible, seeking healing by sinking into repression/denial, drugs to numb the pain...
In other words - when faced with the realities of life, imperfect in all its facets, he simply could not deal.
(Don't quote me - that's just my opinion!)




The issues of death and the imperfection of life... so real and so tangible to me, especially in the last few years, have only led me to think this:

We should appreciate every wonderfully unique moment that life presents us.
No two sunsets will ever look the same.
Even within the same sunset, each moment is a new work of art.

Yet, while living each moment, we should also plan for the next.
We must invest in our future - our old age.
Make good dietary and physical choices while we are young.
Form good habit on how to live life - whether they be physical habits or cognitive habits.
For we all get old, but God has given us wisdom on how to live healthily and fully.

Most importantly, we do not need to despair.
When death and disease and suffering comes our way.
For they are to be expected in a life separated from God.
We must hold our heads up high, and lift our voices in praise - for the Conqueror has overcome all that separates us....
...and one day, we shall meet our Hero -
The God who cries with us each time we face these trials in life.
The Saviour who has conquered death and has deemed us somehow worthy to live perfect lives one day.

We will finally live how we were meant to live - when our Creator made us in all perfection.

So pursue an authentic relationship with Christ.
Get to know your family.
Keep in touch with your friends.
Put to practice the wisdom given by the bible on how to live life well.






I wonder how my grandma will look like when I meet her in that perfection.
She must have been a beautiful young girl.

********

Lullaby for Grandma

Up where the stars are
the night wind blows soft.
Moon shines a lullaby
Magic aloft.

Sleep must come silently
to those who have waited long
for dreams to
rest on
the eyelids
that needed sleep to rest their soul.

Hands clasped together
Lips pursed so tight.
Eyes cast to Heaven,
Where are You tonight?

Do You hear all my prayers?
Every word lifted up
by Your own
Angels
who hold us
and never leave us all alone.

Up where the stars are
the night wind blows soft....

~S.21062009~

Heartprints

As I browsed through my friends' profiles on facebook, I felt a familiar sentimental tug.

Yes, people do come in and out of our lives, but then there are the handful, who, despite making a so-called "exit", still remain in our lives.



The challenge is keeping up with everyone's lives.

As our paths cross, part, and continue to meander along in life... sometimes it feel as if we are more than those physical seas apart.

And then other times it feels as if we are not that far apart after all.

There is a fine balance to be sought.
(pardon this weird blog-entry. My thoughts are coming in drips and drabs and sporadically)
Keeping in touch is important.
Knowing what's going on in each others' lives, keeping conversation going, and yet... having faith that when conversation dries up, well, that the people we care about still care for us.


Lately though, I've been learning the importance of keeping up.
We are human beings after all... and yes, though we might just be able to "pick it up where we left off" whenever we meet up again,
the world is a big place, and the people we care for are many.

Why not drop an email or two, or skype each other now and then?
Rather than take for granted that "we'll meet some day and things'll be just like they were"....

Cuz things do change.
People get older.
Experiences wear us thin.
And those who "stay" in our lives are the ones whom we often really feel care for us.

Spinning Round to Stand Still...

Coming back home has been... interesting.

I've often talked about death - since my brother's...
But really, death is easy. Living is hard.

I don't mean that in a bad sense though.
I still firmly believe that though living is hard, it can be richly rewarding and joyful.
Living is a choice too.
Because one can be alive, but not truly be living.

Watching my grandma, who is in the final stage of cancer, and basically waiting to die (but aren't we all really?), I find myself wondering what it must be like for her to be on the brink of death... to have lived almost a century.
She lived through wars, an arranged marriage, and various other hardships.
Most of all, I remember the difference in her personality and outlook on life ever since she made the choice to follow God.

As our lives unfold, are we carried along as if by the currents of the sea?
Or do we learn to swim, enjoy the feel of the water, surf, boat... you get the picture/analogy. Heh.


I've had this song stuck in my head since the day b4 I came to Sg.
Then I found this YouTube vid of the song - representing the 3 stages of life a girl goes through.
I'd say every human being goes through.




When it's time to go, will I be ready?
But in the meantime, will I choose to live my life with passion, zest, and love?

I surely hope so.

Don't Forget to Hope.

Don't let hurricanes hold you back
Raging rivers or shark attacks
Find love, and give it all away
Find love, and give it all away

Wrestle bears bring them to their knees
Steal the honey from killer bees
Find love, and give it all away
Find love, and give it all away

Don't be scared to connect the dots
And dig for gold in the parking lot
Find love, and then give it all away
Find love, then give it all away
Find love, then give it all away