Please Don't Forget

Time has passed, and will continue to pass us by.


Tomorrow, it will be 1 year and 3 months exactly since Reuben left us.
Life must go on.


I know my parents suffered the most in his passing.
I wish I had made more precious memories to keep with me.
For the latter part of his life I was always away.



I don't want to forget that I had a brother...

July 9, 1984.
I became a big sister.
I don't remember... but I hope I was proud to be a big sis.
He was brown and chubby.
Everyone liked to pinch his cheeks.

We would play together along the corridors of our Ang Mo Kio flat.
Running up and down the stairs.
Blackening the soles of our bare feet.

He followed me around.
We played pranks on the neighbours.
Moving slippers from outside one door to another.
Dropping water bombs from our window.

We fought over who would play the piano (though there was probably room for us both).
We tried to figure out Richard Claderman together.

We played make believe.
A thin mattress propped against a wall with a blanket hung over it was a tent.
He would be the superhero that saved the princess (me).

We went for swimming class together.
We got very dark.
We would pretend to be bells bobbing just beneath the surface of the water.
Ding dong ding...

We argued a lot.
He said he was smarter. (hahahaha..)
He called me fat. (this even when I really was skinny)
He ran around school and church screaming a lot like a girl.

He loved to play out in the sun.
He became very very dark.

When he was an early teen, I made fun of his lack of height and build.
All his peers had early growth spurts.
He was the last to "grow up".
But when he grew, boy did he grow!
He always had big feet - that must have been a clue that he would become tall.

We started working out.
I saw him less and less.
I had my music.
He had his sports.
We argued too much anyway.


When did he become so big?

He loved to eat chicken rice.
On rare occasions, we would go to the nearby gym together.
He brought me to (one of) his favourite chicken rice stalls.
He like to make his own version of chawamushi in the microwave.
It really was pretty damn good.

He would place his plate of rice on the fridge, near to the small fan - he didn't like his rice too hot.
He slept like a log.




I could write more.
But suddenly, I don't feel like sharing.
I'm trying to remember more of these precious memories.
They're coming back slowly.
And I want to hold them selfishly to myself.

I don't ever want to forget that I had a brother.
I don't want to be sad because he's gone.
But I can't forget him either.



Do you know what it's like - to go from always thinking of yourself as an older sister to nothing?
I thought there would always be the two of us...

No, life isn't fair.
I'm not gonna bitch about it.
I just miss him... and I'm afraid that one day I'll forget.
Even though he's gone...

I'm Shimona - Reuben's big sis.