So Beautiful

Sometimes God's peace lifts me high above the clouds.

But sometimes, He simply holds me by the hand, while my heart feels as if it's gonna shatter into a million microscopic pieces.

My head tells me there's nothing I can do but move on in strength and love…. Yet, I volley between heart-wrenching pain and a mind-numbing ache.

Being here in Thailand especially… I sporadically find myself in a state of normalcy – as if I'll see Reuben again when I get back home to Singapore…

I'll hear the distant sound of the Clavinova keys pounding in his room and knock on his door which is ajar… I'll push it open and a cool rush of air will greet me as I wander into his sky-blue room and plop myself down on his bed… I'll casually ask him what his latest musical project is, and he'll reply in that soft gruff mumble of his… almost unintelligible…. Then he'll swing his chair around and say "listen to this".

He turns the volume up… up high, and hits the spacebar.

A beautiful lilting melody immediately floats into the space between us, and I soak it in.
Soon the lone tune is joined by ore and more instruments until the space between us is so full of his passion eked out in his music.

I close my eyes and let the sounds sweep over me.

It's just so beautiful.
My heart stirs in reply.

Abruptly he hits the spacebar.
With a sheepish laugh he admits that's as far as he's gotten so far.

I smile.

I say it's good.
I say that maybe the drums could be a little softer.
I point out that the instruments used were surprising but suitable.

But I never once admit to him how beautiful I truly think it is.

I think that he knows.
He needs to improve, and he doesn't need praise from his big sister.

How I wish I could change some of the past.

But I know it's too late for that now.

I also know that one day I will be able to tell him just how proud I am of him… of his accomplishments, of his character.

But for now, it lives in my heart – the one sentence I never said:

Reuben, it's so beautiful.
So beautiful I could cry.