Emotionally Perturbed,

Beautiful white puffy clouds.
Deep rich inky black.
With a smattering of stars....

That's what the sky looks like from Mission College.
Back in Bangkok, all I can see is dirty gray,
if any sky at all.


********


So I thought going was bad.
Coming back was worse.

I got into the van to come back to the life I'd carved for myself in Bangkok, and suddenly felt like a silly wounded creature.
The feeling just overcame me.

Growing up is tough.
Knowing that no other person can really save you from life... or yourself.
I've stopped waiting for someone to be my knight in shining armour.
Maybe that's why I'm able to move on.
Now I take on those dragons myself.
But now and again, my heart aches for my prince.
I know I can call out to God to rescue me.
And I do.
But the warmth of a human companion is something I crave for yet do not allow myself to expect anymore. Not anymore.

I think I've been pretty strong so far... given the circumstances.
But coming back, I sat in the back of the van and bit by bit succumbed to the tears.


Slow hot tears.
Tears for the brother I would not see again in my life.
Tears for my current almost-divorced state.
Tears for the complexity of life.
Tears for my parents' grief.
Tears for all the lonely sad souls crying out together in unison.

And then I cried out to the Holy Spirit, claiming the promise in my favourite passage from Romans - that the Holy Spirit captures my groans - translating them into the language God speaks.


********

Little Bird

My heart is a bird
that fell from the sky
You saw me and healed me
so I would not die.
But wounded and fearful,
still wanting to fly,
I dream of the day
when I'll soar up high.

Oh when will I fly?
When will I fly?


Copyright, Shimona Kee, 07122008